Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The Best and Worst of Fighting Games Part 2

May 28, 2012

So for some reason after you post a blog, they remove that handy little “insert photo” button that makes my life easy. so I thought I’d continue it in another post, cause now I’ve got that little button back. So here we go. The female edition of my top ten favourite fighting game characters.

10. Tifa Lockheart (Final Fantasy 7)

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To be fair, she is not a fighting game character, however she does use her fists and feet to attack her opponents and I was also finding myself relying on too many Soul Calibur characters, so here you go. Tifa makes the list because out of all the characters in Final Fantasy 7, she is the only one who doesn’t use a weapon. Aside from that, she kind of reminds me of Betty from Archie comics. She loves the protagonist, but is resigned to love him from afar, as he loves the other girl instead, even after she dies. Well Tifa, until Cloud realizes what he’s missing, you got me any time you want.

9. Kira (Mortal Kombat Deception)

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One of the first things I noticed is that Kira uses Kano’s moves and Sonya’s moves. So why is she on the list? Look at her! No seriously though I like her twin Knife fighting style which sadly has not been included in soul Calibur (maybe in 5, I haven’t played it yet). Regardless, her back story is that she is a member of the Black Dragon, a group attempting to destroy all government and bring anarchy to the world… I’m sorta okay with that.

8.Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat)

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Now here comes Sonya Blade, the original bad girl of Mortal Kombat. A United States Special Forces agent, she snuck aboard the ship heading to the Mortal Kombat Tournament to fight Kano, the killer of her old partner. While there, she had to agree upon being discovered to participate or face death. So naturally she agreed. Originally designed just to have a female in the game, Sonya evolved into a great character using Kempo and Tai Kwon-do as well as using a pin-wheel-like blade to slash her opponents into a gory mess. Sadly, she was not in Mortal Kombat Deception, the only copy of the series I have left.

7.Sarah Bryant (Virtua Fighter)

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I remember playing Sarah’s character on the Chi-cheemaun arcade version of this game (original) because she resembled my own sister Sarah, who is blonde with blue eyes and can kick some major ass. She fights using Karate, Jeet Kun-do and the flamingo stance seen in such movies as Jackie Chan’s Legend of the Drunken Master. I also love her knee attack right into the chest of her opponents. Although a beginner character, she is still a lot of fun to use. Her story is that she entered the World Fighting Tournament to find out about the organization responsible for her brothers race car accident, but was captured and brainwashed to fight against her brother and kill him. By the third game she has fully regained her memories but continues to enter the tournament in the fourth game to fight her brother again and find out if her desire to kill him was genuine or part of the mind control.

6. Cammy (Street Fighter 2 the New Challengers)

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Cammy first appeared in a re-release of Street Fighter 2 to become the second female character of the series after Chun-Li. She is a member of the British Delta Red Task Force (what is it with all these girls being cops of some sort) and in the version I played, she is an ex-lover of M. Bison (??? ew…) but in the Japanese version she is just an ex-agent. Unlike Chun-Li, Cammy has no projectile moves except of course a screw-kick (she IS the projectile) which I actually found refreshing. I must also admit, her attire is pretty kick ass though I really don’t know what this Red Fang organization is. Whatever it is, its kinky.

5. Zelda (Smash Bro’s Melee)

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Zelda makes the roster at number five from Smash Bro’s Melee. She has the ability to turn into her alter ego Shiek, the last of the Shiekah. As Zelda she uses mostly magic based attacks while as Shiek she kicks ass with her body in a ninjitsu and throwing knives.

4. Orchid (Killer Instinct)

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The only female in Killer Instinct (the first one), orchid uses two sticks to pummel her opponents into oblivion. She has a projectile attack, can turn into an energy panther and take her shirt off to kill her opponents with a heart attack. Her back story be damned, she is one tough cookie.

3. Tira (Soul Calibur 3)

 

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Tira had a bizarre childhood being raised by assassins. Having killed so many people she began to see it as a game for her own enjoyment which led the others to become afraid of her. She attempted a normal life with adoptive parents, but ended up killing them in a rage. Then she heard about Nightmare and his blade Soul Edge which she developed an infatuation (she loves the sword…) worshiping it as a god and lover. When it is destroyed in Soul Calibur 3, her mind is shattered by the blast however she pieces most of it back together the best she can which results in two personalities. She has a happy side and an angry side which changes up her move list. While happy, her attacks are lighter but combo well, and angry Tira uses power house attacks which sometimes cause damage to herself. Her weapon is a giant ring-blade which she can use as a hula-hoop and sometimes even throws it into her opponent. To make it short, she is the go-go yubari of Soul Calibur. But I love her anyway.

2. Vanessa Lewis (Virtua Fighter 4)

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Vanessa Lewis makes her first debut in the fourth Virtua Fighter. She was trained by J6 (the organization that brainwashed Sarah Bryant) as security to be a killer but they killed Lewis (her lover in the J6 org) and then she quit to join a protection agency. She entered the Fourth Tournament to protect Sarah Bryant as well as find the killer of her lover. She uses two fighting styles (muay-thai and vale-tudo) which you may switch between in combat. I quite enjoy playing her character being able to switch styles in combat. It keeps your opponents on their toes.

1. Seung-Mia (Soul Edge/Blade)

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Now we come to the number one. Seung-Mina was a character in the first game Soul Edge/Blade, the daughter of the master Seung Han Myong, a weapons instructor. At a young age she learned all of the weapons her father had but was not allowed to join the Korean coast guard because she was a woman. When she heard of the legendary Soul Edge, she figured if she could find that, she could prove herself to the guard. Her father had wanted her to marry Hwang (later replaced by Yeung-sung using the same weapon in Soul Calibur 2, however at least Hwang made it to the Soul Calibur title, again replaced by a character far inferior for absolutly NO REASON). Back to Mina. Although she appeared first, Kilik would use her fighting style with few differences but over the course of the series lost most of her similarities, having Kilik retain her move set and she gains a similar but very much different one. She gains bonus points for making it look good!

The Best and Worst of Fighting Games

May 27, 2012

I was first introduced to fighting games while on the M.S. Chi Chee-maun (the fairy that crosses from Tobemory to South Bay Mouth. It was here that I played the first Virtua Fighter and fell in love with kicking the crap out of people… virtually. I then attempted to get my hands on any one that I could. After many years, I have finally decided to list off my favourite characters from these games, ad the worst, as there are some that are amazing and some that really piss me off. So here we go. I’ve separated the favourites into Male and Female, not for sexist reasons, but because I really have too many to make a top ten list…

MALE TOP TEN

10. Jack (Power Stone)

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Jack is an original character from the game Power Stone. He unlike many other characters uses weapons, twin knives that make for some of my favourite special moves. In the game, he is a thief/murderer who likes to steal shiny things. When he does get his hands on them (Power Stones) he becomes the Mad Clown and uses sword dance-like moves to slash his enemies into bits. In the end of the game he uses the stones to wish for a doppelganger so that while it is in jail, he can continue to kill and steal without being suspected. He is obviously based on Jack the Ripper.

9. Bridget (Guilty Gear XX)

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So you would think with a name like Bridget and a body like that he would be a girl right? That’s what I thought… boy was I wrong. Born a twin in a village where twins are considered an ill omen, Bridget was raised to be a girl to save the house hold from evil. Later on he would become a bounty hunter to prove his masculinity and worth, but was tricked by the antagonist I-NO to take out his opponents. Using a giant yo-yo like a meteor hammer (one of my favourite weapons) and her giant mechanical teddy bear named Roger, Bridget is a hard to beat opponent. Just think of her as a reverse Samus-Arn.

8. Ryu (Street Fighter)

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This is a character whose back story I know relativity little about. From what I gather he joined the Street Fighter Tournament to beat Saget in the first edition of the game, but I never played it. However Street Fighter 2 I actually got to play on the arcade console. He doesn’t fight for the money, fame or title, he fights to beat those that could be better than himself. He has a close friendship and rivalry with Ken Masters who uses similar moves (but with fiery after effects). I enjoy his moves such as the legendary hadoken, swift uppercuts and a quadruple flying spin kick that makes any combo complete. More over, he is simple to use but requires a little bit of time to master completely.

7. Darth Vader (Masters of Teras Kasi)

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Darth Vader is one of my favourite characters in anything, anytime, anywhere. His appearance in Soul Calibur 4 was crap. He was slow and incredibly hard to use. In Masters of Teras Kasi for the PS1, EVERYONE is slow and hard to use, so its alright. Even though the game was crap it had one thing that I really found amazing. DARTH VADER USES LIGHTNING!!! I can’t find a screenshot of it, so I’ll have to do it myself (bought a copy of the game for $40) however this it has the right idea. Lightning is force generated, NOT body generated and therefore mechanical limbs don’t really matter in generating it. Also if Vader is using the force to fight (as does all Jedi), Vader should not be slow. Fuck you Lucas! Am I the only person who has a clear understanding of what the force is?

6. Li Long (Soul Edge/Blade)

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Li Long is an original character from Soul Edge (Soul Blade on home port) who for some reason was deemed not important enough to continue into the much more popular and successful Soul Calibur. Li Long was an assassin sent by the Emperor to kill a pirate lord and bring back the sword to the Emperor. He fails and is critically injured but saved by an innkeepers daughter rendered mute by past events. They start a romance but a swordsman at the inn starts a fight one day and she is apparently killed. Thinking it was the swordsman Mitsirugi, Li Long starts off on a quest of vengeance killing any swordsman along the way and taking their weapons and making them serviceable for his own style. His travels took him to Spain where he found Cervantes De Leon (current wielder of the Soul Edge). He fights gallantly but falls in battle (though it is revealed that he is not killed). Li Long was in my opinion one of the best characters of the series having an amazing back story and a great fighting style. Unlike his replacement Maxi (Soul Calibur), Maxi requires some skill to use AND he ca use BOTH of his Nunchaku (or in England a three section staff due to ban on Nunchaku) in combat. He was popular enough to make a guest appearance in Soul Calibur 3, but the game producers didn’t catch on that he was one of their best designs and have not included him since… dicks!

5. Raiden (Mortal Kombat)

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Lord Raiden (now Rayden) is a thunder god and immortal in the Mortal Kombat universe. In the first game he is invited by Shang Tsung (the boss) to compete in the tenth and final tournament to claim our realm. He appears in human form but retains his ability to teleport, shoot lightning and fly giving him a pretty good edge. In later games he gives up his status as an elder god and becomes mortal due to the merging of realms and saves Lu kang’s soul to help him defeat Shao khan after he had taken all the souls of our realm as his own. Depending on the game, Raiden fights with Nan Chuan and Jujitsu styles and uses a war hammer or a staff. After committing Hara-Kiri in an attempt to destroy Onaga the dragon king, his essence is reformed in Earth realm, but much darker. Pissed at how humans treat their realm and at their amazing stupidity, he decides to take matters into his own hands. Now here is where Raiden made the best move in all of Mortal Kombat. Liu Kang had previously died in a previous game, so he took the body to a necromancer temple ad brought him back as a zombie!!! I did not like Liu Kang, however making him a zombie was freaking AWESOME! So Raiden gets the number four slot over better characters for making me like a character I previously had no liking to whatsoever!

4. Link (Smash Bro’s)

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Again not really a typical fighting game, it still counts in my books so there. Link is my favourite Nintendo character ever. I beat The Legend of Zelda when I was about 3 years old, and never looked back. When Super Smash Bro’s hit the N64 I was at my friends house playing it every chance I got. There really is no back story to the game, but Link is a master of the sword (get the pun…Master Sword???) and many of the items in his possession including: bombs, the boomerang, (later on the light arrow) and hookshot (great for getting those cheap bastards with the hammer). Included in his move list is the downstab and upthrust technique first seen in The Adventures of Link plus the white tunic (my personal battle wear) as an optional colour derived from the Blue Ruppie Ring first seen in the original game. On a side note, Link WAS included in Soul Calibur 2, however he had no real combo moves and very slow allowing his ass to get kicked very easily. Same problem as Darth Vader in Soul Calibur 4. Regardless… GO LINK!!!

3.Mitsurugi (Soul Edge/Blade)

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Have you noticed a trend in my favourite characters yet? It can’t be helped. The Soul Series was amazing beyond imagine right down to the first game Soul Edge/Blade. Mitsurugi believes in one thing and one thing only, his own strength. The fourth son of a farmer in Japan during the “warring ages” when the feudal lords fought to attain the title of Shogun, Mitsurugi tired of seeing the lad ravaged decided to become a samurai. He gained many commendations and achieved the rank of officer in the Japanese army and his reputation flared all across the land. His only real ambition however was to seek a worthy opponent and so after the war he became a mercenary in every war that sprang up. Then he heard of a new weapon called the rifle, which was changing the very way wars were being fought and had wiped out an entire regiment with ease. Realizing that this weapon would lose him his lively hood, he decided to find the powerful sword Soul Edge to assist him against this evil weapon. Finding no trace of the sword he ended up fighting a rifleman to prove that he did not need the Soul Edge but was shot in the right shoulder and defeated in front of his lord. In Soul Calibur he stalks Nightmare the Azure Knight wielding the very sword he was looking for but lost his trail. In the end of this game he faces his rifleman opponent again but this time manages to kill him. My favourite Mitsurugi moment was in Soul Calibur 4 when after defeating the creator of Soul Edge and Soul Calibur he is offered the power of both swords and his (that of a god) but Mitsurugi just turns away claiming that his own power was more than enough. Tough, bad ass and a great fighting style that flows together and FEELS like that of a samurai, Mitsurugi is one of the best characters of all time.

2. Kilik (Soul Calibur)

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Kilik is an orphan being raised at the Ling Shang Su temple in the mountains of China. At the age of 19 he was chosen to receive the Kali Yuga (the rod he weilds) while Xianglian (another temple student) was to recieve the Dvapara-Yuga (a mirror) instead. The third treasure turns out to be the Soul Calibur belonging to Xianglian’s secret sister Xianghua. After the events of Soul Edge the Evil Seed was released by Soul Edge, some of it ending up at the Ling temple. Kilik and all the rest of the monks went mad under its influence and started killing each other minus Xianglian who was protected by the Dvapara-Yuga. Realizing its power she decided that she loved Kilik more than her own sanity and wrapped the mirror around Kilik thus losing her own saity while Kilik regained his. When he came to the only survivor Xiaglian attempted to kill him, so he had to kill her in self defense. The Edge Master (teacher and adviser of the of the temple) found him unconscious, and took it upon himself to train him. He can never take the mirror off his body or the Evil Seed still within his body would regain control and madness would follow. With his training complete he has but one final test. Destroy the Soul Edge and purify the Kali-yuga. Kilik does not fight, he daces around the stage with his rod smashing his opponents into the stage with the look of ease.

1. Shun-Di (Virtua Fighter 2)

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Shun-Di is a Chinese herbal doctor in China who teaches Drunken Kung-Fu at a small training hall. while drinking with his friends he hears them speak of the World Fighting tournament and decides that he too will fight. I think he may have ran out of money for wine, but whatever the reason, I’m glad he did. Like Kilik, Shun-Di makes all his moves look effortless and you can make him lay on his side and drink casually if you get the chance. He also uses several moves from Jackie Chan’s Drunken Master which are fun to call out while kicking your opponents ass. The more he drinks the more moves become available making drinking a very important part of his fighting style doing so every chance you get, even if its not needed. His combo’s are easy and hard to pull off respectively being an “Expert” character, involving a bit of patience and practice to learn. Even I can’t use him to his fullest, but I’ll keep training because out of all the characters mentioned above, he is the most FUN to use, earning him the number one spot on this list.

In Exile at Camp Eastwood

May 15, 2011

UPDATE MOTHAFUCKAS! June 08 2011

Alright guys update time. I have been kicking some ass out here. Got a job at the Cafe on the Bay part time where I slave away over a sink doing dishes all day. The other day I went fishing for the first time in four years though we didn’t catch anything, it was still fun to go. Special props go out to my older sister who pulled up to my driveway first thing in the morning with cheeseburgers in hand. I can not say this enough, you rock! In my evenings I am watching horror movies which I will review in my new section Fright Nights!

Update May 16 2011

Other than my partents residence I have taken to walking the twelve some kilometers into town and sitting my ass down at Loco Beans, a coffee shop that charges insane prices for their coffee, but beats the swill that any other resturaunt (we have two open in town, one coming this summer) and allows internet access. Really though today I just ended up watching Dr. Who and filling out applications and writting letters. I will offer one word of wisdom for anyone who feels it safe to enter this shop. The girl at the desk WILL interrogate you. Now to go sign my life away at Loblaws…

Greetings.

For those of you who didn’t know I decided to enter a hermatige of sorts for an unknown period of time in an undisclosed location. This section will be on my projects and thoughts over this period. Periodically I will update whenever I get into an internet location. Here is the scoop so far.

I arrived here halfway through March roughly on the fifteenth after¬† four day bus trip from Vancouver in which I met several interesting people and earned the nickname “Shaggy” from a weirdo on the back of the bus. It may have had something to do with the poncho I was wearing or the joints I had been chain smoking across the country. Also let me tell you that the Greyhound have become Nazi’s for pot. It is retarded, they actually go through your baggage in every province along the way (but not your pockets…) and if they catch you they will refuse to take you under the ALCHOHOL act in their rules. If you are traveling FOUR DAYS across the country, your going to be sedating yourself if its not pot its a flask, if not a flask then pills of some kind. If not pills then possibly ciggarettes. Anyway, if you take the Greyhound, watch out but don’t worry, just bring some fabreeze and hand sanitizer.

The following weeks were freaking cold as a cold snap hit the area. All I had for heat was the wood stove in the living room as my current dwellings have no electricity (also no running water or heat) and this is where I discovered that I am terribly allergic to the smoke that comes out. My nose would stuff, I would get a cough and my eyes would get puffy and itch like a mofo. Not all the Reactine in the world made a difference. Once the cold snap ended I cleared all the dust andhave not used the woodstove ever sense. My computer turned out to be a real blessing as I have gotten through six out of seven Tom Baker Dr. Who seasons with a few episodes left in the final season before the David Peterson Fifth Doctor series that I’ve downloaded from a stolen internet signal in town. Although I have no power at my own house, the Community Center up the road has several outlets outside in which I can charge up. Nobody is EVER up there so nobody really cares. I cannot wait until they open up the bathrooms so I can use them instead of pooping outdoors. Thats something that a lot of people never think about but should they ever find themselves in this position I have several pointers to make things easier. Practice the horse stance (sitting like your in a chair but not) and always have a handy spade.

My biggest pass time until I find work (everything here is seasonal) has been the harmonica which I bought in Vancouver on sale. It is Honner and in the key of G, which is a great key for blues. With plenty of practice I can bend notes easily (draw, I can’t figure out the blow bends from holes 7 to 10) and can play along with a few of my sisters friends who play guitar. Once I get work and start paying back my debts then I can start getting more keys, though I also want to get a decent accoustic guitar so that I can learn some blues riffs on that. I’ve also downloaded some Muddy Waters and Howlin Wolf to get a few ideas.

Recently I have gotten the garage key from my family and begun the daunting task of cleaning and organizing all the crap that people saw fit to put in there. Inside I had found some rum that was in a listerine bottle for god knows how long. Of course I drank it, but felt a little sick after. I’m not really sure if rum can go bad, but from now on I don’t think I’ll tempt fate anymore. Among other things I’ve found in the garage are a propane stove that will solve my cooking problems and every tool you could possibly ever need. Now I am starting a project to build a wood shelter for the chopped firewood outside and rebuilding parts of the house that have fallen to the incredible wind you get out here. Around this time I’ve also gotten possesion of my cat Mischief back. When I moved to Vancouver I left the cat with my mum and four years later now I’ve got him back. He is a bastard and often burns his tail on the candles at night making the room smell like burning hair. The house is very old and empty in the middle of the country. It is very spooky walking around a pitch black house with a candle in your hand making shadows dance around and jump out at you. I challange you to watch horror movies at three in the morning so that your a little tired and paranoid and then traverse outside alone to candle light. Its fucking awesome. I feel like I’m in Little House on the Prarrie.

I am hoping to get a digital camera so that I can make video logs out here, then upload them to the blog. Updates as you get them.

The TARDIS (TIME AND RELATIVE DIMENSION IN SPACE)

March 12, 2011

March 11 2011

For those of you who do not know already from my other posts I LOVE Science Fiction (please don`t call it Sci-Fi, it sounds like a shitty speaker system) and Doctor Who is no exception. I remember back in the day when old episodes would play after Red Dwarf on BBC and I would roll my eyes and change the chanel (I remember a rubble pit and cap guns, it didn`t catch my attention). I stayed away until much later when in 2006 I was going through the TV stations (late at night/ early morning paranoid from lack of sleep and too much caffine) and saw a full hour show Doctor Who (they used to be 30 minutes episodes in a series of four on average) so I decieded to investigate and to my suprise I was rewarded with one of the creepiest and most magical things I have seen in a long time. The episode was called the Girl in the Fireplace and it focused on Madame De Pompadour and these robots that go back into time by ripping open the fabrics of the universe to harvest her brain. The main character The Doctor was much younger, full of energy and kept you entertained just by his presence. I had to have more and I soon devoured the entire 2005-2007 series and the horrible atrocity that was the TV movie Dr.Who (it was the only adventure to feature the 8th Doctor and I’ll tell you what that means shortly). Right now I am watching the old black and white Dr.Who (aka the origonal series) featuring William Hartnell as the First Doctor. It. Fucking. Rocks!

Doctor Who first broadcast in 1963 titled An Unearthly Child (which I now own on video cassette ūüôā in black and white. A college student who is extreamly smart but different from the other students causes her teachers to stalk her back to where she lives… the dump. There they see her go into a Police Box (a blue box used back then to hold prisoners or call for help before cell phones) and not come out. They sneak inside and are taken aback as the inside is huge like a chamber all fitting neatly inside a box big enough for four (unless your fat). This police box is actually called a TARDIS and is a spaceship in disguise as a police box that can travel through space and time. The Doctor decides to kidnap them as they have seen too much and takes them back in time to the caveman days. There they meet cavemen¬†who are freezing because their¬†leader never learned the secret of fire from¬†his father, the¬†last¬†leader.¬†I won’t ruin the rest for you but its actually not bad and the episode still holds up to this day. From here on the two abducted teachers continue on as the Doctors companions (aside from Susan who is already traveling with her Grandfather, the Doctor). Now here is where the true genious of the show kicks in. In the very begening of season four William Hartnell’s health started to go south and they needed a way to continue the show without him and they came up with the idea of REGENERATION!

WHAT IS A TIME LORD?

A Time Lord is a race that exists throughout the entire origonal series as observers of time vowing to never interfere in the changes of time unless it is something that must be stopped at all costs. The Doctor used to live with his people but it is revealed that he stole the TARDIS and went traveling through space and time for reasons unknown. Due to this he is a fugative due to the theft and his interference with events that according to Laws of Time and can’t return home.¬†In the 2005 re-boot of the show¬†there¬†was a Time War (AKA the Last Great Time War) in which the Doctor fought against his arch enemy the Daleks (a Nazi like race that¬†extermenates anything not Dalek) and personally ended the war by destroying both the Daleks and and the Time Lords and Time-Locking it so that nobody could go back, not even himself.¬†¬†

REGENERATION

When a Time Lord (the Doctors race) becomes critically injured or just really old they can cheat death by regenerating. Origonally called a renewal it was intended that when the Doctor collapses in the show of old age he becomes younger and can continue (with two hearts mind you) but was later changed to what we call regeneration by the time they hit the fourth Doctor. The Doctor becomes a new man, literally. Changed face, personality and¬†new sense of dress.¬†This would allow the show to continue and eventually become the¬†longest running Science Fiction show with over¬†700 episodes (the closest equivelent was Stargate SG-1 with over 200 episodes) and a few movies (most of which are non-cannon).¬†By the time we see the Doctor emerge in the New Series (2005) it is started that the Doctor is over 900 years old. At first the Doctor is¬†just a grumpy old man who doesn’t like humans that much¬†seeing them as backwards and quite stupid. After he regenerates into the second¬†Doctor¬†and onwards we see him calm down and eventually he adopts the Earth as his second home, some¬†might even say he loves the Earth even more than his¬†home planet Gallefry. Each time the Doctor¬†regenerates he seems to get younger (with two exeptions but both of them are in the original series and in the new series it seems to be going towards an aging backwards theme) to the point where he is at now (the 11th Doctor is like 22ish).

OLD AND NEW

MY DOCTOR

Everyone has a Doctor they like best. Sometimes not but in most cases one Doctor will stand out in your memory for something that touches you in a way that only the Doctor can. For me it has to be hands DOWN David Tennet (the 10th Doctor). Granted his was the first series I started watching in earnest, I also happen to enjoy his endless energy, his exclemation of “Allons-Y” and the fact that we really get to see his “humanity” by the end of the show. I still enjoy the first, second, fourth, ninth and eleventh Doctors but Tennet stands above them all in his brown trenchcoat given to him by Janis Joplin (I guess she was a fixed point in time eh?)

The Rubber Room (SPOILER ALERT ON EVERYTHING)

January 28, 2011

 I would like to invite you all to the Rubber Room where I can talk about anything I want. Its called the Rubber Room because sometimes things just make me go a little ape-shit angry or happy and I feel like I should be getting all of this down.

February 03 2011

 
 
 

Agrais, Olivia, Ramza, Alma

 

You wanna know what the best Final Fantasy game to me is? Final Fantasy Tactics. A lot of people look at me and say “Really? Tactics?”. Hell yes¬†Tactics. Its like a cross between¬†chess and the classic released on the Nintendo Entertainment System years¬†ago.¬†The story (although very confusing at times) is freaking awesome and suprisingly dark.¬†¬†¬†The difficulty is also very decent and in some places just down right frustrating. I would highly recomend never saving after a fight when it asks you if you want to proceed, unless you have a backup file saved away. Let me just start by saying that I love the relations to the European church in this game and how through the main character we get to see the truth behind the start of the religon and how they gained so much power over the land.

This particular game is really confusing but I think I’ve worked most of the important details out correctly.

Story

There is no one living in Ivalice who doesn’t know of the hero Delita Hyral. The true hero of Ivalice is a man by the name of Ramza Belouve who was branded a heritic by the church and sought after for his knowlege. The game is narrated from the future by a historian named Arazlam Durai who is attempting to set the records straight. Delitia and his sister Teta’s¬†parents died and Ramza’s father took¬†them in and even pulled strings to have¬†Deltia¬†join the Northern Sky as well even though he is a commoner. While chasing some bandits who were pillaging and come across a man surrounded by theives. This man is Algus who like Ramza is a noble however his family lost status when his father was captured in the Fifty Year War and gave up information to escape. He was shot in the back while leaving but one of the prisoners got out and told the story to the Ivalice forces. The family was stripped of its honour and their role has been significantly reduced. It is his goal to restore his families name and power. After his rescue he reveals that Elmdore has been kidnapped and he wants to rescue him. Ramza goes home to talk it over with his older brothers¬†Dycedarg and Zalbag who just tells him to watch the castle. Ramza decides “screw it” and goes after the Marquies anyway. They head to the dessert to fight the Death Corps and succeed in the rescue¬†however they learn why he was kidnapped so Deltia and Ramza start to doubt their kingdoms actions. They return to their castle to find that Teta has been kidnapped by the Death Corpse mistaken as Ramza’s younger sister Alma to be used as blackmail. Larg and Zalbag ready their troops but tell Ramza to stay out of it. Deltia refuses to stand by and wants to sneak into the fortress from behind so Ramza says that he is like his brother and will follow him into combat. Algus is disgusted at Deltia for being a commoner and insults him to his face. Ramza hits him and kicks him out of his brigade for his ignorance. They move in and attack the fortress where Wiegrafs sister Milleuda was stationed. She gets killed and Wiegraf becomes enraged however he is defeated by Ramza. He escapes though. Figures.They move on to the fortress where Teta is being held and arrive to find the second in command of the Death Corpse with a knife to Teta’s throat. Algus has a cross bow and on orders from Ramza’s brothers kills Teta to get to the second in command. Deltia see’s this and launches himself at Algus and he is killed in the battle. The second in command retreats into the fort and blows the dynamite stores taking Deltia and Teta’s body with him. End of Chapter One.

Ramza cuts his hair and adopts his mothers last name and joines a mercenary group led by Fell Knight Gaffgarion. They are hired to¬†by Agrais Oaks to protect Princess Olivia from both sides of the tension building up over the political battle for the throne.¬†They are attacked by Northern Sky¬†soldiers wearing Southern Sky uniforms in an obvious attempt to start trouble by framing the other side. Durring the fight Olivia is kidnapped by Deltia who is now a Templar Knight for the Church.¬†They chase¬†him to a waterfall only to have Gaffgarion turn on them revealing that he was hired by¬†Dycedarg¬†¬†to get rid of the Princess to make room for himself as the¬†next ruler¬†of Ivalice until the Prince became old enough. Ramza and Deltia team up to take out Gaffgarion¬†who retreats and Deltia leaves Olivia in Ramza’s care for the time being.

Agrais suggests taking Olivia to Cardinal Delacroix who is nuetral to the feud for safety. Along the way they meet Mustidio, a machinist from¬†Goug who weilds a gun. He is being chased for¬†a stone that he carries(unkown to Ramza)¬†by mercinaries hired by¬†a trading company. Ramza teams up with him¬†and they take down the mercs without much trouble (unless you suck at this game).¬†They arrive at the¬†Lionel and meet the¬†Cardinal who reveals that the¬†¬†legend of the Holy Stones. They leave Olivia at the castle to take Mustadio back to his father. There they learn that the Cardinal was the one who hired the mercenaries and they must get Olivia back. They are tricked into believing that Olivia is to be executed and walk right into a trap set by Gaffgarion. They force him to retreat and then attack the castle in which she is being held. Ramza fights Gaffgarion and kills him and lets his brigade enter the fortress. Ramza meets with the Cardinal reveals that people have lost faith in the crown due to the massive in-fighting and the time is arriving where people will transfer power to the church once they use the Holy Stones to become the Zodiac Braves.¬†The Cardinal is being possesed by the Holy Stone and transforms into a demon in order to kill Ramza. He is defeated, Ramza collects the stone. This brands Ramza as a Heratic and will now be hunted by the church probably because he knows too much. He later goes to the monestary that Alma was staying at because there is a Holy Stone in the¬†basement.This does not go well and Alma is kidnapped and the Holy Stone is taken by Wiegraff who is now a Templar Knight for the church. Along the way Ramza would find proof of the Church’s deception about St. Ajora. Ajora was born and came to be known as a saviour of sorts when he walked up to a well and revealed it to be poisoned. He started preaching and when he was twenty told that paradise was coming. He had gathered twelve deciples over time and collected the Zodiac Stones by traversing the lands. He defeated the demon summoned by the King of Mullonde. Withhim having¬†growing influence the religon at the time branded him a heritic and bribed his thirteenth deciple into revealing St.Ajora’s location with coin (see a similarity here?). Ajora was executed but because he was a child of God Mullonde was flooded destroying the nation. However the scriptures of Germonique (the thirteeth deciple) tell that Ajora was a mortal and there was no demon that was slain. A cataclysm happened in truth but Ajora claimed to have fought the demon. After his death the Church seized his name and used it for their own power making sure that everyone believed the story. Damn.

Gameplay

One of the greatest and one of the most annoying aspects of the game is that your troops can die permenatly. When a troop gets hit they fall to the groung and a speach bubble appears above them with a number from three to one. When that counter reaches zero they either leave behind a piece of equitment that they have equiped or a crystal. The crystals are more desirable because you can learn a felled enemies ability and then not have to spend points on it later. I find this extreamly appropriate in this game¬†because in real life your character would get hit, then bleed out for a bit with a chance of revival before they bleed to death. One time Mustadio was killed in battle and I didn’t realize it until I went to use him much much much later in the game, so you gotta watch out.I love the three dimensional world and all of the castles, forts and levels. Although the graphics are blocky, you don’t mind because the story is great and the gameplay is better. You start off by picking up to five guys from your roster. They will fight the enemies on the screen using their individual techniques to assist your main character. I find that Ramza makes an excellent Dragoon/Monk or Dragoon/Squire. The extra reach of the spear (one square) can be quite handy for avoiding reflex attacts and you can climb up to twelve tiles effortlessly. The game is turn based and this can be fun or frustrating. You have a charge meter that fills up with time and when its full you get¬† a turn. Some characters (like summoners) can be fucking slow with their spells and you have to wait until its ready. If you time it right, you can hit the target(s) without them moving out of the blast radius. I always play the Black Mage/Summoner or Black Mage/Oracle so this is my area of expertise. Your characters can get better armour and weapons as the game goes on and you can even mix abilities from other classes to make your characters more unique and more effective to use. Some classes are special and cannot be learned but used through other main characters like Holy Sword and Limit. Cloud from Final Fantasy Seven is also a playable character and his Limit attack Final Touch can kill five people with one hundred percent accuracy (in theory). The Month has everything to do with gameplay. I don’t even pay attention to it half the time but it is important. Based on what Zodiac sign you are and the sign your opponent is it changes the accuracy, effectivness and damage by wherever they are on the spectrum. It can be a pain in the ass but also work out in your favour. My favourite part is job building, often trying to make bizzare combinations to see what works. The PSP also has a multiplayer mode which I want to play really freaking bad. Some levels have alternate conditions for victory like killing a specific person or protecting another. In those cases the computer will use the character even though they are on your team.

Archers

Levels

The level design in this game is fantastic. There are desserts, waterfalls, castles, dungons, even a parallel dimensions. The Geomancer can be an effective character because of their abilities that use the ground that their opponent is stepping on. I especially enjoy the three dimensional aspect of the game having to move your characters around the levels instead of just stanging in a line and attacking your opponent. You will find that some job classes are better suited to some levels and will completly effect the effectiveness of your team. Levels with a lot of water impeed your movement and proves difficult when your opponent can attack you from far away. In one particular level you must face off alone against an opponent who does crazy amounts of damage from a distance to you and the only way I have found to win is by equiping auto-potion so that you gain your health back as you go.¬†Who can forget the deep dungon that is several levels of pitch¬†black (unless there is a crystal on the¬†feild) where some of the best items can be¬†found and some of the hardest enemies¬†to be¬†fought.¬†At the bottom of the dungon is another summon that can only be learned by surviving the blast, and a thirteenth Zodiac Stone that doesn’t technically¬†exist, but was created for the¬†game. There are¬†even some secret sidequests if you still have the characters you started off with when you were with Gaffgarion on specific days much later in the game. Tons of bonus stuff. Here is a tip, always have a character with a low brave level and item find on at all times.¬†

 Characters

Ramza Belouve

The main character of the game. Although he is only a half relative to his brothers he shared the same father. His brothers do not see him as a true Belouve and often talk down to him throughout most of the game. He has his fathers sense of honour and probably changes the most over the entire game. At first he fought for his families name and the honour of his brigade but after fighting Wiegrife and the Death Corpse he actually experiences the poors side of the war and why they fight the crown so hard. He grows even further by the end of the game by living by his late fathers words saying that the Belouve name means nothing if they don’t use their power to help those less fortunate then themselves. While he is the main character, history¬†does not mention him at the time of the naration it¬†follows Deltia however¬†WE get to¬†follow Ramza as he is the true hero of Ivalice even though he is never mentioned. Ramza defeats all of the Zodiac Braves and then goes¬†to slay¬†Ultima in a parallel rift thingy. Wether he or his sister survives is unknown at the end of the story is is implied that he is in fact alive though is possibly a hallucination. I vote the prior. I love this character because he does all the hard work and gets none of the fame nor the power contrast to Deltia. I also enjoy seeing him grow as a person throughout the game.

Deltia

Man this guy is a prick. I’ll explain. He is pissed because he is a commoner and will never have any respect from the nobles nor will any of the other commoners. Ramza is his best friend, but after his brothers murdered his sister and he felt like he was just being used like a puppet. When his sisters body sheilds him from the explosion early in the game he changes a lot. Now he manipulates those that would use him and attain the power that everyone is fightning over and bring the commoners their voice. To him the ends justify the means and he would even kill his best friend who risked his life to save him and his sister.¬†Deltia switches to the Southern Sky Brigade (traitor) then the church in order to carry out his own agenda by double-crossing both of them. He even uses Princess Oliva by wedding her and accending to the throne after using Ramza to kill all of the Zodiac Braves and Ultima plus most of the people who were at the top from both the church and the crown. Deltia is recorded to have become king and brought peace to the kingdom but in reality his reign was short lived. On Olivia’s birthday Deltia goes to give his wife flowers. She flips out on him because he used her just like everyone else did for the throne. She pulls out a knife and stabs him and he takes out his sword and stabs her. Deltia is a good example of someone with good intentions but ruthless methoods and the good that he does is cheepened because of it. He did bring peace to Ivalice after decades of continues war but used everyone in his path to do so even his friends and wife. Hell he didn’t even do a lot of the hard work. That being said it is no wonder his wife became enraged when she came to the conclusion that she was just another pawn in his plan. I thought his ending was well written and very shakespearian.

Orlandu (Cid)

Cid is a master swordsman. He can use all of the Holy Sword techniques that Agrais can use and even the two attacks that Gaffgarion can do and still has a few of his own that break stuff on his opponents. Cid fought in the Fifty Year War and earned himself the nickname Thundergod due to his skill with the sword. He is the only one to openly oppose the war effort for Ivalice and is labled a traitor and hunted down. He later teams up with Ramza and then all of his problems are over. Cid is probably the most powerful swordsman in the game. All of his attacks are ranged and do massive amounts of area damage. He can heal himself with this technique as well. If you need to win no matter the cost, its Cid to the rescue baby.

Agrais

Until you get Cid, Agrais is your resident knight on crack. She has devoted her life to the church and therefore can use the Holy Sword techniques like Cid and later Deltia. She hires Gaffgarion to protect Oliva and meets Ramza through him. She asks Ramza to take her to the Cardinal for protection but we all remember how that worked out. Olivia is captured again and she travels with Ramza to get her back.After her second rescue she decides to leave Olivia with Deltia because he vows to throw down his life to protect her. When Agrais discovers that someone is manipulating the war, she decides it is her duty to follow Ramza further to save the world.

ME

I am the black mage. I cast the spells that make the people fall down. Really though, my guy rarely misses fights and is available after the first fight when you recruit him. If you need something to stop moving, one flare spell is usually enough. With

The Last Word

Again I love this game. The

Febuary 01 2011

RED DWARF

 
 

The Big Red

 

Red Dwarf is fucking awesome. For people who like science fiction, comedy, drama and action Red Dwarf has it all. The story involves a man by the name of David Lister who works as a chicken soup machine repairman on the Jupiter mining vessle Red Dwarf. His superior officer (second lowest on the ship) Arnold Rimmer share a bunk and get on each others nerves due to their clashing personalities. Depending on which season you are watching the continuity changes, but the show is just so well written that it somehow works all the same. Today I will talk about the book Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. The book takes all of the best eliments of the show and takes out a lot of the camp for a more dramatic story.

We start with Lister who has been living on Mimas ever since his birthday when he got slam drunk and woke up on the moon with a traffic cone on his head and a passport made out to a transvestite named Emily Berkinstine. He is trying to earn money by stealing taxies and taking the money directly, but due to the high price of alchohol on the planet he never seems to have any money. One day he meets a man with a false mustache who is in secret Arnold Rimmer. Rimmer unintentionally gives Lister the idea to sign up for the space corps and hitch a ride back to Earth and jump ship. To his misfortune he ends up getting Rimmer as a bunk mate and he is his superior as stated above. Where as Lister is basically a space bum living in a half locker at a space port and has no ambition but a big heart where Rimmer is possibly mad with desire for command but has failed his exam thirteen times to gain officership. He has no time for people, no social skills and pulls his rank where ever and when ever he can. Durring their trip Lister falls in love with a navigation officer Kristine Kochanski and has a relationship for three months until she dumps him for her ex boyfriend who came back. With four years to get to Earth and his heart totally smashed he goes on leave and pickes up a cat, then sneaks it past quarintine. When the Captain finds out she sends him into suspended animation for nine months. Durring this time a drive plate malfunctions and a leathal dose of radiation kills the entire crew. The ships computer (Holly) seals the cargo hold (where Lister hid the cat) and ploted a course out of the solar system to prevent rescuers from trying to enter a death trap. Three million years later the radiation dies down to safe levels and Holly lets Lister out. Holly has gone senile in the time he has spent alone and wants some company. Lister aknowleges that everyone on board is dead but when Holly tells him the human race is extinct he realizes he is doomed on a ship in deep space with no company. He starts to fall apart, drinking heavily and walking around naked passing out around the ship. Holly makes a decision to revive Rimmer to keep him sane, or distraced enough to realize his situation. As luck would have it Lister calms down but is still heavily depressed. Holly releases the seal on the cargo hold and then detects a life form that is non human. They venture down into the ships hold to find many decks of food missing and a village of small houses completly empty. A man with dark skin and fangs attacks them but backs off suddenly saying ” I’m sorry, I thought you were food”. This is the creature we will come to know as Cat. When Lister put his cat in the cargo hold she was pregnent and had a litter of kittens. Those kittens had many more and then multiplied over years until they evolved into a race of people. They believed in Listers dream of having a farm on Earth with a hotdog stand with funny little hats with arrows in them. However a holy war broke out over what colour the hats should be and many were killed. Eventually they took most of the ships shuttles in two different directions to find Earth on their own. They left behind the lame and crippled, including the cat and his parents. His father was a jelly brain and eats his own feet. Now only the cat is left. The ship has been accelerating for three million years and breaches the light barrier some twenty four hours earlier than Holly calculated. This lets the crew see future echos of themselves all over the ship. One of them is Lister aged many years who lets Lister know he is going to be a father of twin boys even though there is no woman on board. After they turn around and return to normal speeds they rescue a robot named Kryten from the crashed ship Nova 5. The Nova 5 was alligning stars to spell Drink Coke in the stars from Earth as the worlds biggest advertisment but Kryten decided to give the computer core a good scrubbing with soapy water and the ship goes off course and crashes. The andriod does not know how to cope without masters and just decides to pretend they are still alive to the point where he believes it. The boys from the Dwarf recieve a distress call to rescue three ladies from a wreck on a moon but arrive to find skeletons with nice hair do’s. Truely British comedy at its finest. The Red Dwarfers decide to take the crashed ship and weld it back together in order to use its more advanced engines (it was made several hundred years AFTER the Red Dwarf, so its much superior in the way of travel) to return to Earth. Lister uses his brain and uses the mining ships facilities to set up shop on a nearby moon to collect the fuel to make the ship run with Kryten and the Cat¬†while Rimmer and his copy (yes he made a copy of himself from a backup before the accident) repair the Nova 5. Once they get back they find the Nova 5 in one piece but the two Rimmers are fighting back and forth. It gets to the point where one of them has to go and Rimmer One gets selected. Lister gets Rimmer wasted and askes him what gazpacho soup day meant. This rendition of the gazpacho soup tale is by far the best because Rimmer doesn’t just eat hot soup meant to be served cold in front of the Captain. He got an esscort to attend with him but she turned out to be a trickster having taken his money and the dress he bought her and buggered off leaving him alone, then he told everyone at the table she had just died but he was okay about it and that they should just eat. He notices tention and tries to releive it with a joke but gets stage fright halfway through and forgets the punchline and everyone thinks he’s crazy and not right after his “girlfriend” just died in a horrible manner. Then he makes the soup blunder. Much better rendition. Lister deletes Rimmer Two and they have more drinks before they leave Red Dwarf the next morning.

In the last chapter Lister the Cat has his own island on Earth with giant Valkires and dog hunts, Rimmer has fortune, fame and a multi-billion dollar corperation and a new body and Lister lives in a small town called Bedford Falls taken from Its A Wonderful Life with his wife and two sons. Lister starts getting pains in his arms and gets cream for them. While applying the cream to the hurt areas he notices it spells out a message. It seems they are playing the total immersion video game Better Than Life, a game that lets you have your ideal life without you knowing its a game because it hides itself from your mind. The game was made illegal because in the real world your body would get weak and die or you would hurl yourself off a cliff because you thought you were sky diving. The cat had found one of the headbands while drunk and put it on allowing the electrodes to insert into his brain. Lister who was also drunk thought that he could resist the game and get the cat so he followed him in but got stuck and Holly patched Rimmer in as well even dispite her reluctance. Only Kryten was sober and knew better to stay out of the game and tried to feed them and care for them as best he could. The book ends with Lister meeting up with Rimmer saying that they had to get back to reality. I’ll save part two until later because there is so much I would like to mention in this blog.

Starbug

Story

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor re-write their show to expand more on Lister and Rimmer’s¬† characters than we get to see in the show. It follows much of the first season of the show including the episodes Me2, Better Than Life, The End, Future Echos and Kryten but with more detail and edited continuety from the show to be a bit more “realistic”. I love the show with all my heart but the books take the cake in a lot of ways. Its like Rob and Doug¬† just took all the best of Red Dwarfs jokes, stories and scripts and just put them in a book with minor tweaks here and there. With most of the cheese gone they could even re-do this book as a movie and finally finsih the damn show. Neither the book series nor the show have ever been completed and that annoys me to no end. Whats the point of reading a kick ass story with no ending? One day my friends… one day.

Setting

There are two reasons why I love this show and book. The well written jokes that are built on characters relationships with one another and the setting for the story. I have always had this weird enjoyment of end of the world senarios. Not that I want the world to end but it is always kind of interesting to hear the story of the survivors (if any). In Red Dwarf Lister has to deal with the fact that he is the last human alive and is more or less alone in the universe. He has nothing to do except try and return to Earth and tolerate the people he happens to be stucks with. In the show he would lounge around watching movies, get drunk and eat curry and just talk with his bunk mate. The bunk scenes are in the book as well to my delight. Seriously though. Picture the person that you like least in the world. Then picture being stuck with them on a ship out on the ocean that has been flooded. Thinking eveyone to be dead, you would take said person and tell them things you don’t even tell your best of friends. You’re at the end of your world and your only companion is one of your enemies. I just love their interactions and watching them change over time.

Dave Lister

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Last Human

 

 

Lister was abandoned as a child under a pool table in a cardboard box and he never met his true parents. He lived on Earth until his twenty fifth birthday when he did a monopoly board pub crawl and you know the story.This bum ends up alone in deep space with a crew of the people he would like least to be around in the whole of creation. I like the character interaction between Rimmer and Lister because they are such complete opposites but over time they start to rub off on each other. Lister would gain the work ethic and enthusiasm to research into the Nova 5 and how to dig up the ore and refine it into fuel, not an easy task, but he managed with only the Cat and Kryten to help (who both turned out to be pretty useless). He has a huge heart but also has a bit of a gut and curry addiction. The story is written so well that you can sort of feel what he feels alone in deep space looking at nothing but old age and death alone in a metal cage.

 

 

 

Rimmer

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Waiting for your head to explode

 

Rimmer One

Rimmer in my opinion is the other main character of Red Dwarf. When he was alive he was uptight, totally dedicated to his laughable carear and looking down on people who wasted their time being social and would choose to spend his time alone in a¬†stasis chamber to slowly pinch back time. He¬†is technically a year¬†older than he actually is. He had three other brothers who treated him like crap and¬†they all got learning implants to get into the space corps but¬†he never got one and wound up trying to become an officer on a¬†minning ship.¬†After he gets a nuclear explosion in the¬†face and is revived years later he becomes a computer simulation of Rimmer. So he is not Rimmer¬†just a simulated Rimmer.¬†“I¬†think I am thinking therfore I possibly am”. Realizing the worst has already¬†happened he sort of mellows out a bit. He’s still an asshole but at¬†he¬†doesn’t realize¬†just how insufferable he is until he¬†turns off half the power on the ship so¬†it can support two hoograms instead of one. This allows him to see what¬†time alone with Lister telling him of his pride, shame, triumph and failures have done to him.¬†¬†

Rimmer Two

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I can't see past your stupid fat head

 

 

The reason I include Rimmer Two as a characer is because he is around for so much of the book. In the show he was around for one episode but he is around much longer in the book. Rimmer Two was made from pre-accident discs of the crew and therefore retains none of Rimmer One’s experiences or memories of recent events. This character is a tool used to show Rimmer realizing what a douche he has been and forces him to admit many of his failures, but usually because they are arguing. When Rimmer Two calls Rimmer One “Mr. Gazpacho” that sent Rimmer One back to his old room with Lister. He is eventually deleted because the Nova 5 could only support one hologram period.

Cat

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

This was actually in style?

 

 

Most of what I have to say about the Cat and his origons have already been stated. He is vain, shallow and selfesh and those are just his best qualities. I love how they made him just like a household cat that can walk and talk. He is incredibly stupid and can’t grasp the concept of what is going on around him half of the time unless you explain in very simple words. Although the Cat isn’t religious his race believe that Lister is their God and they should follow the path of slobbyness or else they are rejected from society and pelted with stale donuts. Harsh.

 

 

Kryten

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I peed in your oatmeal master!

 

 

Kryten was found to have killed his masters through incompetence so he removes his head and shuts himself off. Lister fixes Kryten¬†to becomes¬†his role model and works hard to break his programing to lie, cheat and steal. Kryten’s only one want in the world is to clean and take care of human masters and believes he will be rewarded in silicone heaven.

 

 

Holly

April Fools

 

Holly is the ships computer with an I.Q. of six thousand, although three million years of solitude has led him to develop computer senality. He really has slowed down and spends time with his singing potatoes. I loved holly for all of his dead pan humor. The one liners he delivered in the show with perfect timing and a straight face must have been difficult to do.

January 27 2011

NINTENDO’S MAJORA’S MASK¬†

Today¬†we take a look at the Legend of Zelda Majora’s Mask. After the release of OOT I highly anticipated future quests through Hyrule with an older experienced Link on a quest to save Zelda.¬†What we got was a bizzare new land, no connection to Hyrule OR theTriforce, and you are¬†a Deku Scrub in a world where you have to reset time after a set amount of time losing all your hard work if its not complete. The opening¬†roles and we¬†see¬†young Link riding young¬†Epona¬†through the lost woods searching for Navi (though it¬†says a friend so who knows, it could be Saria, though I always had this notion that the Sages had to die before they were awakened as sages. This came to me while playing OOT and I watched¬†Naboru get blown up by Twin Rova¬†and then I thought further and realized not one¬†ofages left their respective Temples with or without Link). Link is ambushed by a¬†skull kid who steals your musical instrument and horse and buggers off down a¬†hole in a tree.¬†He follows down the hole and¬†you become cornered and the Skull Kid turns you into a Deku Scrub. Now as a Scrub you follow the Skull Kid through the caverns and into a clock tower through the basement and meet the traveling mask salesman from the first game.¬†He reveals that the¬†Skull Kid stole¬†the powerful Majora’s mask and is abusing the powers like that of a¬†child with a¬†the powers of a god.¬†He tells you that¬†in return he¬†can¬†turn you back into a human but he needs the¬†ochirana that was stolen from you.¬†The¬†Skull Kid is calling the moon down to the planet to destroy all life on the planet and the salesman¬†gives you three days to get the mask back. No pressure right?¬†On the third day the clock tower lowers onto its¬†side allowing you to climb¬†to the roof, fight the skull kid and reclaim your ochirana. Once in your hand you remember Zelda saying if you play¬†the song of time you can travel back in time three days. On the morning of the first¬†day Link takes¬†is returned to human by the mask salesman but because¬†Skull Kid is too powerful and is calling the moon down to¬†destroy the planet you must go to the four temples of the four races in Terminia and release the gods from their slumber by waking them up.

This game annoyed the hell out¬†of me¬†for years until one day I¬†picked it up off the floor (it belonged to my brother ) and I got to playing it.¬†Maybe it was because I was playing it at three in the morning in a dimly lit basement with¬†coffee and such (the way I always like to be before watching something scarey¬†or play something trippy because your state of mind is half paranoid¬†with exhaustion) but I noticed something. This game is creepy as hell. Even now playing it I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before.

STORY

As I mentioned above you are in a whole new world, but its like a parallel world where all the people from Hyrule are present but they are different people. That alone makes it confusing because its never been established that you are in a parallel world. Kind of like the dream world from Links Awakening the world might not even exist, or it could be a pocket of space between¬†relms. Wherever you are the world is going to end in three days.¬†At¬†first¬†this bothered me¬†but it shows the game designers really trying to branch out and do something origonal. The story of the Legend of Zelda games have always been very similer in their story.¬†You must save the¬†princess, find the master sword,¬†your always looking for the triforce and its usually in Hyrule. This was a step¬†far beyond anything written besides¬†the¬†previously mentioned Links Awakening and it really shows later in the game. Over the span of three days you interact with the people of Termania and watch their perspective on the end of the world. Some people want to wrap up unfinished buisness, some people have been wronged and want revenge, others are just in a tight spot and need a little help. Usually you get a mask after completing a quest which will no doubt help you in another quest or give you a skill that can be used later in the game. Some of my favourites are the bunny hood which gives you turbo like speed and the Garo’s mask that allows you to fight invisible ninja-like beings that would otherwise be invisible. Everything about this new world has a halloween or cursed feel to it, and a lot of the textures are dark and shaded adding to the theme¬†of the game. Whenever¬†Link puts a mask on he screams in obvious pain and the eyes of the mask light up as it wraps around your face. The mirror sheild got a new face as well and went from boarderline religious symbol to a screaming face that reflects¬†onto walls. One quarter of the land¬†(the Ikana Valley which you¬†will hear about quite often) was once a beautiful kingdom that¬†had its¬†own monarchy that fell years ago in an ongoing war with the¬†Garo (ninja’s). The¬†when the kingdom fell the land became¬†cursed and now only spirits live there. Its like the graveyard from a classic Zelda¬†mixed with the part of tatooine that R2D2 took where¬†the Jawa jumps out and shoots him. ¬†Even the name of the land Termina might even be a play on words as its future is Terminal and doomed to be destroyed. Also, look at the moon.¬†Look at that face, combined with the fact that the moon cries¬†Moon Tears¬†which¬†either implies the moon is sentiant and knows its about to destroy a world or its just¬†the spell the Skull Kid put on it with the masks¬†power.

Characters

It might be redundant in an RPG but damnit I am going to be relentless.

Link: The Hero of Time returns as a child this time, only a¬†little bit older and appears to retain everything he learned in OOT as his skills are improved (he has a back flip jump) and even his Kokiri Sword. He has a new sheild called a Hero’s¬†Sheild that looks like the Hylan Sheild but¬†smaller and less effective.¬†I’ve never liked¬†Link much as a kid (save¬†OOT because¬†you become an adult) mostly because I always felt he was older.¬†Back in my day he was at least sixteen in The Adventure of Link¬†¬†so WTF? However it did in fact grow on me because you could access the powers of the transformation masks to help out. There are also child sized weapons for him to use like the Fairy Bow and Hookshot.

Tatl:¬†One of the Skull Kids two fairy friends. She was seperated from her brother when¬†she fell behind¬†to prevent Link from following the Skull Kid through a closing stone door.¬†She decides to tag along and help after she reunites with Skull Kid who slaps her brother around making her realize that the mask had taken over the¬†Skull Kid. She is just as annoying only much less useful. At least Navi would tell you how to defeat your enemies, where Tatl just asks¬†“what did you do last time”? Really, useless.¬†

Darmani: This was the hero of the Goron Tribe who was deemed their best warrior. When Snowhead mountain started blowing deadly cold winds that threatened to kill his people he left to put a stop to it. He was blown off the path and onto the jaggad rocks below, killing him. Link meets his spirit in the Goron Village with the Lens of Truth and follows him to the graveyard. After healing his soul with the Song of Healing he gives you his mask to use his power to stop the evil that threatens his people.

Mikau: The Zora Guitar Hero and respected warrior plays in a catchy Zora band called the Indigo-go’s (terrible I know). When Gauroudo pirates steal Lulu’s eggs (the lead singer) she loses her voice and Mikau is charged with the task of getting them back. He is unable to beat the beaver brothers in a race and therefore could not recieve their bottle for a fairy or potion and entered the fortress without. He is discovered and sevearly injured and floats out to the Great Bay for Link to find and rescue. Also having failed his quest Link plays the Song of Healing and puts his soul to rest. He leaves behind the Zora mask so that Link can save the Eggs, and so that Link can perform with the band.

Skull Kid: The Skull Kid and Link had met previously in OOT presumably the one who you sold the Skull Mask to in the happy mask sidequest. He is known to have been friends with the four giants before they left Termina leaving him alone with no friends. He starts playing pranks on people for fun but is scorned and rejected. He later meets Tatl and Tael, two fairies who befriend him. He uses them to steal the mask from the traveling mask salesman and begeins to use its power. Later the mask starts to take control bit by bit until eventually on the moon it throws him aside saying it is done with that puppet. I really thought that a Skull Kid as the main antagonist was a pittiful match up to Ganon from other Zelda games until the mask just takes over and starts going ape-shit.

The NPC’s: These guys have a lot more to them than the previous games with detailed sidequests that need to be completed before the end of the world. They are the key to gaining the masks to beat other sidequests later on in the game. They are responsible for Link having to take a break out of his already jam packed schedule to fix their life before saving them all as a whole. Favourites include Malon, the Dead Dancing Guru, the Music Box guy and the old lady at the stockpot inn that keeps calling you tortose due to her poor eyesight (if that carries over from OOT) and the hand in the toilet.

Game Play

The game handles EXACTLY the same as OOT so the transition is pretty smooth from the one to the next. As a twist  you may take on the form of a Deku Scrub, a Goron, a Zora and a bizzare twist of Adult Link if you can collect every mask in the game. Each form has a special ability that is unique to their speicies. The Gorons roll. To Goron roll transform into the Goron and then curl up into a ball. Once you get rolling you use magic to grow spikes that give you greater speeds and contol. I could bomb around the feild for at least fifteen to twenty minutes if I had the time to kill. The only annoying thing is that you have to race to get the gold powder to transform your sword into a more powerful blade. The Zorda can swim like a dolphan on speed. This too is a great deal of fun especially when you have to break into the Gauroudo fortress. (Interesting fact, in OOT there are four masks that are bonus after selling four of the origonals. A Zora, Goron, Gauroudo warrior and the mask of truth. I was half expecting to be able to transform into a Gauroudo for a while there).At one point you must play all four transformation instruments to put on a show for a room full of milk sipping drunks to complete a sidequest that was pretty cool.

GREATEST PARTS OF THE GAME

The Sidequests. There is so much to do in this game, though the better of the sidequests will span over a three day period. Some of them even cross over and you have to play it different ways to get different results. Keep track through your notebook and try to help out everyone you see.

The Music Box House. Ikana valley is cursed. Spirits and the undead wander and many fear to even walk there. On top of the valley there is the music box house that plays a song that the undead cannot stand and drives them away. The house is surrounded by mummies and there is a person in the house to scared to come out. Once you learn the song of storms you can get the house to play again allowing you to slip by the little white girl checking the well. Inside her closet however a mummy jumps out and you have to play the song of healing to reveal her father who was cursed. This girl had been taking care of her father in a zombie wasteland alone. Gods thats awesome!!!

Romani Ranch. With three days to the Carnival of Time the Skull Kid using Majora’s powers blocks the road to Clock Town. Why? Who knows. Here you can reclaim your horse as well as the Bunny Hood, one of my favourite masks. Also I guess the ranch is on top of a paranormal hot spot becaus every year around the Carnival of Time “They” come to the farm and abduct all of the cattle. It is your job to defend the cows with your bow. If you succeed, you can then prevent the neighbouring milk farmers from destroying the romani milk on your way to town. It is tons of fun and also… CREEPY!

The Moon. On the third day you can transport yourself to the moon to fight Majora once you have all four Temples completed. The moon surface consists of lush green grass and a single tree in which four kids wearing the gods masks on their faces and one by the tree sitting wearing Majora’s mask. There are four mini-dungons that allow you to trade in your non-transformation masks to get the Fierce Diety mask that makes you into a kick ass adult Link form with a huge ass sword that shoots magic. Damn.

The Stone Tower. Atop the Ikana Valley there is the Stone Temple that you must climb to the top to enter. This is done by using the hookshot, playing a song to make a shell of yourself to hold down switched to activate bridges and a whole lot of climbing. The Temple at the top is also shit tons of fun. If you shoot the red gem with the light arrow, gravity shifts and allows you to explore other parts of the temple. You must find the Giant Mask  to grow like in Power Rangers and defeat Twinmold, the boss of that Temple.

Zombie Wasteland

Hero Of The Week

December 16, 2010

Febuary 9 2011 Kristen Lauzon

Yoshi is bad ass!

Hey there guys. This weeks hero is my little sister Kristen or Krissy (because I am her brother and can get away with it). For the longest time she was a little brat like most little sisters are but grew into a wonderful person with a wicked sense of humor. She is also gifted with musical talent and currently plays in the band Imfamous Box. I would like to take credit for bringing her into our fold of nerds by forcing her to watch Star Wars and Gundam Wing and she rocks out to Hendrix. Mission Accomplished! I love you Krissy and miss I you.

Love your brother.

Will.

 

 

December 16 2010

I have decided that every week I will acknowledge a personal hero whom I think deserves recognition for their deeds and their contributions to my week. They can be people, characters or mushroom inspired hallucinations.¬† Whatever they are, they are hero’s and deserve to be awarded.

This Weeks Hero is :

John McClean from the movie Die Hard.

Die Hard was released July 15 1988, the same year I was born. Directed by John McTiernan and starting Bruce Willis this movie has become tied in the number one slot with Batman Returns for Best Christmas Movie of all time. Bruce plays John McClean, a New York cop flying out to LA to attend a Christmas party at his separated wife’s office building. caught off guard by a group of “Terrorists” he escapes up the stair well and wages a one man war to free the prisoners. Christmas is a time for me where I lose all my joy and happiness that I can maintain all year long. It sucks the nice out of me, so I respond by drinking fireball and watching movies like Badder Santa and Die Hard to bring some of that cheer back into my life and for the first time EVER I get to see it in theaters in its original 35mm print¬† with a big bucket of popcorn and a smile. Its things like this that only come around a few times in your life. This October I got to cross off¬† the Wrath of Khan from the list of movies I HAVE to see in theater, so I cannot wait until tomorrow night. Bruce Willis, thank you for this amazing movie. Merry Christmas to you, Yippie-Ki-yay mother fucker!

Whatchu Talkin Bout Will?

January 15, 2010
 
March 18 2011

The Biker Returns from Day of the Dead as a zombie!

 
Today we get a double review as because for the first time in my life I celebrated St. Patricks Day and let me tell you it was over rated. Though I did pierce someones lip with a giant pin without an apple or whatever. He asked me to, though he later told me he was on meth, I thought he was just drunk. Anyway, in keeping with the recent trend of Living Dead movies, I’ve got two more to chalk up. Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead.

Land of the Dead

 

Fiddler's Green

 

It has been some time now after the events of Day of the Dead and the situation is even worse. We start off with old broadcasts from previous movies as well as some new ones leading up to the events now, and we also learn that this phenomenon is all over the world via non english broadcasts. We start with scenes of zombies in Pitsburg following their old lives to an extent. Some are playing instruments and their is “Big Daddy” a zombie who runs a gas station who comes out when he hears the bell. We are introduced to our main characer Riley Denbo who is watching Big Daddy and talking to another guy. Riley suspects that they are learning and this is further suspected when Big Daddy grunts to another zombie who notices them as well. Like they are talking. We then cut to a truck with the second in command Cholo DeMora (HOLY SHIT BOYS AND GIRLS ITS LUIGI FROM THE SUPER MARIO BROS MOVIE!!!)and two others throwing large crates of “trash” out into a pit of zombies. He has a gas powered¬†mini-spear launcher which is not only deadly, but silent too.¬†There is blood coming from the box. Back with Riley we meet Charlie. Charlie’s face is half burnt and he doesn’t appear to be too bright but with his one good eye he is a hell of a shot, prefering precision rifles¬†rather than¬†automatic weapons. They are part of a team out looking for supplies in the rest of the world for the city of the living called Fiddler’s Green which is surrounded by three lakes and an electrec fence that covers the only land connection called the “choke”. There are also three bridges raised up to prevent access.¬† There is a heavy tank-like thing designed by Riley called the Dead Reckoning that is loaded to the tits with missiles, gun hatches, mini-guns and even fireworks that they use to distract the zombies as they cannot take their eyes off of them allowing them to move about freely. It is esscorted by a outfitted jeep and several motorcycles with side cars for a gun man. Riley talks with Cholo saying that its his last day and that he is retiring, Cholo admits he doesn’t want command and is going to retire too. As they set about for more supplies, Cholo dissobeys orders and goes to sack a bottle shop for booze as it sells for a fortune back in the city. He also grabs a box of cigars, dropping many

Big Daddy and his troops

¬†of them. He tells the new guy to pick them up and he is promptly bitten by a zombie on the arm. Rather than become a zombie the new guy shoots himself in the head. Its worth mentioning htat the time it takes for someone to turn into a zombie is outside an hour now.¬†Riley tells him off for losing a man over non-essentials like booze, but Cholo is the kind of guy who doesn’t really care seeing it as not his fault the guy wasn’t more careful. The Dead Reckoning’s “flower launcher” getts jammed and they have to make a run for it. As they leave Big Daddy grabs an automatic rifle off the back of a guy on a motorcycle and follow the convoy down the road.

The Dead Reckoning makes¬†it home via underground subway systems that go under the lake and the supplies are unloaded. Here we get an amusig clip of life in Fiddler’s Green and even a zombie outbreak won’t stop the rich from living out their old lives in the giant tower at the heart of the city. Cholo reveals that he is planning to buy an apartment in the tower to Riley who tells him that he is dreaming if he thinks that they will let a lower class citizen in. Cholo doesn’t seem worried. When he gets to the top he meets the guy in charge of the whole city, Paul Kaufman we get to see how the upper class live, eating dinner, shopping for extravogent shit like scarves and cloths while Riley walks the streets below that are more like slums.¬†People of lower class suffer not able to get medicene or even a lot of the food that is brought in mostly going to the rich in the city, even though they are the ones going¬†out to get it. We meet a man named Mulligan who is trying to unify the people and¬†over throw Kaufman but not too many people are interested, Riley just gives him antibiotics for his sick son, not taking a penny. Riley was planning to take the car he bought to Canada with Charlie but when he gets there, there is no car. He decides to do something about it. Meanwhile Cholo is outside Kaufmans¬†apartment when he investigates a woman crying.¬†Inside is a man who hanged himself and is turning into a zombie, which he takes care of effectivly.¬† Meanwhile we get to see¬†how the lower class lives as Riley goes hunting for leads on his car. They use zombies at bars for things like “take a picture with a zombie” or even fights over meals in a cage.¬†Todays live animal is something new though, not a cat or a dog. It is a¬†prostitute¬†by the¬†name of Slack who is not going down without a fight.¬†The crowd cheers on making more bets on the poor¬†woman completley unconcerned with her fate. Riley sees this though and shoots the zombies through the mesh

Never get a zombie to fill your car

causing the crowd to disperse and the midgit to start shooting at them. Charlie takes out the midget with a very well aimed shot in¬†the head while he was running and security shows up an arrests them (Riley, Charlie and Slack). Outside the¬†city walls on the other side of the lake the zombies have reached a barracade and can’t get through. Big Daddy instructs a knife weilding guy on how to cut through it and find a bunch of zombies hanging upside down with targets on them

¬†(obviously used for target practice). Behind them is the tower and the rest of the city.¬†Cholo finally meets with Kaufman ready with wine and cigars but notes that he already has both, so the suck¬†up is sorta ruined.¬†Cholo has been taking out his “garbage” for three years now and with all the money that Kaufman owes him, he asks him for an apartment of his own inside the city but Kaufman refuses saying there is a long wait list and other such excuses. Cholo reminds him that he knows all of his secrets and threatens to expose them if he doesn’t comply, but Kaufman calls in a gaurd to escort him out (he keeps all the cigars and wine Cholo brought him) and quietly tells him that his services are no longer required. Cholo escapes the gaurd in¬†the stairwell. Outraged he gathers some of the crew of the Dead Reckoning (without Riley) and heads to the gates where the truck is. While attempting to steal it Big Daddy and his gang attack the outpost breaking down the fence (not electric, thats across the lake) and over-running the living. Cholo and the mutineers board the Dead Reckoning¬†but¬†decide not to help in the fight (which could have prevented a lot of shit from happening) and leave the way the zombies got in. Big Daddy sees the tower lit up like a fucking christmas tree and starts advancing.

Kaufman gets a call from Cholo who wants his money Kaufman owes him to five million in cash sent across the lake via boat or else he will target Dead Reckonings missiles at the tower giving him two hours (midnight). Cholo leaves a guy named mouse alone at the pier to wait for the money…like he isn’t going to get eaten by zombies! ¬†Kaufman instead calls in Riley to take Cholo out as he used to work under him and he might not get shot up by him. Riley agrees in return for his car which Kaufman took to prevent Riley from leaving as he found him a valuable reasource and also gets Charlie and Slack out of jail to join him.¬†There is a funny scene where a gaurd tries to give Charlie a¬†sub-machine gun which he refuses prefering his own rifle and pistols. The gaurd says “this beast fires fourteen¬†rounds a second” and he replies “I don’t normally need that many”.¬†This is why Charlie is one of my favourite characters prefering accuracy over a complete waste of bullets as his M1 Carbine seems to work

Inside the Dead Reckoning

¬†just fine and is also lightweight.¬†He is also joined by three other people, Mowtown, Manolette and Pilsburry (a fat guy) who work for Kaufman as an esscort. Riley and Manolette retrieve the ammo while¬†Pilsbury and Mowtown¬†prepare the jeep and discovers the area has been breached and informs Kaufman.¬†Manolette is bitten by a zombie right before they leave and¬†Charlie¬†gets the headshot through the chest even though the head is¬†only hanging on by a strand behind the zombies back. Slack shoots him in the head. Using a device Riley can follow the Dead Reckonnigs movements via tracking device and guesses Cholo’s launch point. Using the jeep, they¬†and gets there first. Meanwhile¬†Mouse gets his ass eaten back at the docks because he was¬†inside a dark shack with no lights while stoned listing to music via headphones. Thats just a really fucking bad idea man.¬†Called it¬†though. Big Daddy gets to the shore overlooking the city but the water seperates them. Taking a step off the dock he dissapears into the water and later emerges on the other side having walked across the bottom with his entire horde of zombies. They now are inside the city.¬†¬†Cholo arrives and Riley and Charlie approach and gain entrence to Dead Reckoning, but have guns pulled on them but they are still in the open hatch allowing for a shot to be taken by the other three members outside. Things are getting worse in the city¬†with the zombies, many people having been bitten or now with Big Daddy helping them out, shot.¬†Mowtown takes the shot but Riley kicks him out of the¬†truck¬†preventing a fatal shot but still grazing Cholo in the side. Then Mowtown is bit by a zombie that sneaks up on them. In the confusion Charlie gets his captors gun and now holds the Dead Reckoning. An explosion from the city catches their ears and they see the city on fire and decide to return to the city to help. Cholo and Foxey decide to take the “Woody” (jeep) and head for cleveland but is bit by a zombie on the hand a short while later. He decides to stay alive wanting to see how the other half “lives” and decides with his remaining time to return and take out Koffman. Back in the city the zombies have reached the tower and break through the glass door. The rich people inside are easily taken down having never really fought any zombies before and havning no weapons available. The Dead Reckoning makes it to a very familier looking bridge and lower it to cross into the city. Zombies start trying to break into the truck forcing Riley to climb the truck and enter through the top hatch. Better close it… In the city the fleeing

Oh No... Were Fucked!

citizens encounter the electric fense that once served to keep the zombies out is now keeping them in with zombies closing in on them. The Dead Reckoning launches more fireworks that momentarily distracts the zombies, but only for a second before they continue to advance. Kaufman makes it to the basment where he has a car ready to take him to a pre-made fort with supplies and defences but Big Daddy corners him in and his driver ran off with the keys. Using a nearby gas pump he puts the nozzle through the windsheild and fills the car with gas, but then buggers off. Cholo appears in the shadows advancing on Kaufman who shoots him until he falls over, only to have him get back up and reveal that he is a zombie. He wrestles with him for a bit until Big Daddy throws a burning object into the basement blowing up the car and both Kaufman and Cholo-zombie. Finally the Dead Reckoning makes it to the fence where the zombies are eating the people trapped on the other side. Riley fires three missiles into them destroying the fence and killing everything there. More survivors are revealed to be hiding around a corner and safely leave the city through the choke and onto a new life. Not all of them leave. Mulligan and others stay to rebuild the city the way they wanted to and kick the zombies out. Guess they should have closed the hatch because a zombie did get in and ate another not important guy. As they prepare to head for Canada (a land where there are no people according to Riley) they see Big Daddy with his closer goons still in the city and well in the range of their missiles. Riley decides not to shoot because he is just looking for a place to go. I strongly dissargree with this as Mulligan is not fighting a super-zombie and with that threat gone, the others are just idiots. He could have really used the help, not to mention how many people died due to Big Daddy? A shitload! He brought the city to its knees! Kill the fucker. As they drive down the road they fire off the last of their fireworks stating that they won’t need them anymore…until they get to Canada and need them for the zombies who HAVN’T seen them before, so they would still be effective. Who put this guy in charge of tactics again?

Well after writing for hours I have finally caught up. I love this movie for the following reasons.

Zombies Kill a Sales Associate!

1.We get to see the stupidity of our society still continues after it collapses, people still wanting an easy life with lots of pretty little things to buy even though others are starving around them.Those who work hard are seldome rewarded and instead get the same scraps everyone else gets due to the lazy and power hungry. Those who have the money and the luxury are defenseless as they rely on others to survive, and therefore are ultimatly doomed.

The Zombie Slayer

2. The Dead Reckoning. I love this tank, perfectly designed to go out into infested areas and bring back supplies. With a fleet of these things the living would have no problem going wherever they wanted, and had Cholo killed all the zombies at the gate when he had the chance, the city probably wouldn’t have fallen. Just one tank is that powerful, they should have had a fleet!

Charlie and his M1 Carbine

3.Charlie. Though he reminds me a little bit of the retard from “Of Mice and Men” he is much smarter and has a wicked shot. He doesn’t waste ammo like most of the military with automatic rifles and can hit something in the head while its moving through a small opening just by waiting for the right moment. He also provides comic relief that ISN’T annoying.

 
 
 
 
Day of the Dead
 

Bub salutes you!

 

I guess its even later on in the series and here we follow an new cast (Bill, Sarah,John and Miguel) who fly a chopper into a city and try to attract possible survivors to get them to safety. It only attracts a group of zombies and they must fly back to the Everglades where there is an underground army bunker protected by a high chain link fence. We find out that they are scientists who are part of a military funded project to reverse the zombie effects. The old¬†commander¬†“Cooper” is dead leaving the next highest ranking officer Capitain Rhodes takes command though either the stress is getting to him too or he is just a prick as he refuses to let Miguel (Sarah’s boyfriend) take time off due to his deteriorating mental state. This leads to an accident where Miguel drops the zombie leash while getting more specimens to Dr. Logan (here¬†on called by his nickname “Frankenstien”) who is the lead researcher. We can see that the military is only just tolerating the scientists as their is a clear lack of progress in their work and supplies and ammo are not as in abundance. It is clearly stated that they don’t have enough ammo to take out the zombies piling up outside the fence. Sarah thinks Miguel needs to take a sedative and sticks him against his will, which I have mixed feelings about because although he could have used it, he wasn’t really at the brink or hurting anyone (he slapped her but she WAS trying to stick him with a needle) so I think that she was in the wrong. That was the final straw that really broke their relationship to shit I guess.Rhodes calls a meeting for all the scientists but Frankenstien and Miguel are not present (Miguel is sleeping the shot off). At the meeting Rhodes authority is¬†put to the limit when Sarah tries to leave and he threatens to shoot her if¬†she leaves.¬†Her being the only¬†woman on base is drawing unwanted attention by the soldiers and¬†the captain. ¬†Anyway, Frankenstien has been using the dead soldiers bodies in his experements to further his research and crossing a major line in what little remains in their ethical code. Frankenstien has made some progress noting that the zombies do not eat to

Just a little prick.

survive, they do it out of instinct. We are introduced to Bub, Frankenstein’s personal pet zombie which he has been teaching to perform certain tasks and then rewarding him. He is very adament that civility is the key to peace with the zombies, and if they can be trained to not want flesh, then they can be domesticated. Bub¬†salutes Rhodes noticing the uniform¬†¬†and is given an unloaded pistol to further the experiment. Bub tries to shoot Rhodes (for being a prick) but it is of course empty and Rhodes gets pissed off. The next day Miguel is holding a zombie again durring a wranggling but the leather strap at the neck breaks and Miguel gets bit. Sarah cuts off his arm well above the bite and coterizes it. Rhodes wants to kill him as he lost two men and thinks Miguel is infected but the pilot of the helicopter John and Bill manage to hold Rhodes off. Rhodes is going to shut down all of Frankenstiens experiments and kill his subjects in the morning.

Deciding to get painkillers for Miguel, Bill and Sarah head to the lab and find the head of one of the recently dead soldiers on the table and they see Frankenstien feeding Bub some of their body parts as his “reward”. When Rhodes comes in and sees whats going on, he snaps, shoots Frankenstien¬†and dissarms the science team of all of their guns by holding another scientist hostage but shoots him in the head anyway and then throws both Sarah and Bill into the zombie den and locks the specimen coral.He leaves John because he can fly¬†the helicopter.¬†¬†John refuses to fly it after what he did and they beat him around a little before they hear the elevator going up. Its Miguel who is either delerious or just pissed off at Rhodes and his troops and unlocks the gate and sacrafises himself by getting as many zombies on the pad and lowering it into the base. Back in the lab Bub gets loose. With Rhodes distracted John knocks him out and takes his guns following the others into the shaft. Rhodes meets with the last three troops on the base as the zombies pile in, and takes the only transport craft down the hall leaving them there to die. Meanwhile Bub finds the body of Frankenstien and there is a touching scene where he holds up his leash like he wanted to be walked. When he doesn’t move, Bub becomes enraged but sees a pistol on the floor and grabs it. The group make it to an elevator but its broken so they climb up to the surface instead. Rhodes is raiding a ammo locker when he encounters Bub. Rhodes gun is empty and because he is holding so many clips he can’t get one in the rifle. Rhodes runs for it but is shot in the back and he drops his rifle. He gets to a locked door and tries to run further down the hallway and is shot again. Now crawling along the wall he reaches the end of the hallway and opens the door to find a horde of zombies waiting for him. He turns around but is shot a final time by Bub and is violently ripped apart by the horde while screaming “CHOKE ON EM” repeatedly in one of the best death scenes in the whole franchise. Sarah, Bill and John make it to the helicopter and there is a fake ending where Sarah is grabbed by a zombie coming from the copter, but she is just asleep on a beach

Oh shit...zombies!!!

somewhere tropical as John and Bill fish.

This movie is actually really really good. Here we get to see for the first time the research going on to try and solve the problem, rather than just survive. The situation has been going on for a while now and it is discovered that the dead can survive for years to come, so its not going away anytime soon. The survivors inside the walls have started to buckle mentally and there is the division between the military and the scientists. The military led by Rhodes has the power and training have no one to answer to and under the stress of being issolated underground and the undead killing them off is taking their toll. Fights break out among the troops regularly and although they are to protect the scientists, they antagonize them and even threaten to kill them if they don’t follow orders. On the other hand we have the science team lead by Frankenstien who is also given too much freedom to do as he pleases no longer careing about morals or consequenses. Miguel is cracking up and can no longer perform his duties, Sarah dopes him up against his wishes and craddles the sedatives until he passes out. Bill (electritian) is a full blown alcoholic and doesn’t really want to stop anytime soon. John is holding up the best and often goes to his secret retreat with Bill to chill down. Another aspect¬†of the movie I like is Bub. This is the first time in the Living Dead series that zombies show higher brain functions at all¬†showing that they are¬†learning and¬†who knows, maybe Frankenstien was on to something.¬†One of the last scenes in¬†the film is a sequence of cut aways showing the base empty and smeared with blood¬†while the zombies mow down on the remains.¬†It is actually a little chilling to see. The only thing¬†I really have to complain about is Sarah’s dream sequences, especially the one at the end. Its just distracting and not really¬†needed to move the story.
My favourite characters in this story are Bill (double flasking it), Rhodes (CHOKE ON EM!!!), and Bub. They steal the show.

Oh SHIT!

 

CHOKE ON EM!!!

 

I just had to add this one...

March 16 2011
In keeping with the last post¬† I have taken¬†upon myself to ¬†stay up late durring the evenings and drink coffee while watching zombie movies. My theory is that the caffine causes your heart to beat faster and when you get scared or something pops out at you it sends adreniline through your body. Yeah, thats probably bad for you, but so is breathing so whatever, I’m young, I can take it… for now.¬†Afterwards I usually find myself jumping at shadows and can’t sleep. Sure this is probably bad for my health but there is something to be said about being scared shitless. I think that poeople tend to forget their mortality way too often, or at least try not to think about it, but when you are paranoid as hell at three in the morning (I have no idea why this time unsettles me more than two or four am, I just always feel uneasy) its hard to ignore and you get to see¬†how much you can tolerate. ¬†Todays feature film is Dawn of the Dead, another classic I somehow missed growing up that I’m kicking myself for. By the way, for all of you who havn’t done so yet,
*Updated 1:10am*

Hicks shooting at Zombies

I just finished watching the movie and it was pretty damn good. It wasn’t as creepy as the first movie and I don’t think it was supposed to be however after the first one I went into it expecting terror. It kind of reminds me of the 1966 Batman TV show but not to the same extreame and much better put together (though the continuity errors alone had me rewinding a second and in one of the first scenes the character Stephen is called David by someone, which is the actors name. Stuff like that. Anyway, the story picks up where the last one ended however the times have changed by a decade (technology wise, TV’s are now portable, the fashon is full 70’s, ect) and things are getting worse for the world. Half of the safe zones they set up in Night of the Living Dead have been over run and some of the networked stations are no longer broadcasting.¬†Everyone is blaming¬†everyone¬†scientists for not finding a cure, and others are saying that its the publics fault for not¬†killing¬†all of the zombies when they were not as many as they are now. Of course all the hicks are having a ball joining up with the army, police and other armed groups hunting zombies over open feilds in packs.¬†GOTTA LOVE THE HICKS!!!¬†Stephen is a traffic reporter and plans on stealing his helecopter and running away from the chaos. He takes his girlfriend Francine and invites a SWAT friend Peter (how they met is beyond me) who invites another SWAT guy named Roger. All four of them decide to land on the roof of a shopping mall later on when they are low on fuel and make a home there as there is food in cans right under their feet and everything they need to survive and protect themselves inside the mall. They start in the roof where Stephen finds the building plans and keys to all the stores and the power switch. They¬†decide to stay but need to be ready, first they arm themselves at a gun shop in the mall (not actually in the real mall) and¬†steal¬†two 18 wheelers to block off the main entrences and loading bays. Then they wipe out all the¬†zombies in the mall and clean up after the mess. Then they build rooms in the room at the top of the stairs where all their food is, block off the enterence to¬†the only stairwell to¬†said rooms¬†with equitment from the hardware store making it look like a wall and then enjoy the¬†freedom of the mall. Things are going mostly well until a¬†group of bikers sees¬†Stephen teaching Francine to fly the helicopter and they decide to break in and steal the supplies. All hell breaks loose that night when they remove the trucks and invade the mall allowing hordes of zombies in as well. Now they must fight off these assholes who have come to wreck their¬†good thing¬† as well as the people trying to eat them. It should be noted that the group wanted to keep everything for themselves and not share, which I can agree with to some extent as they found the place first and did all the work of cleaning the mall out and patching it up, paying in blood and sacrafice, however there were only a few of them and more of the bikers, much of¬†the ending of the movie could have been avoided if they had of shared their resources¬†by throwing supplies off the¬†roof but refusing them entry (as they obviously didn’t intend on staying being a motorcade), though they would have probably

Shoot those children zombies!

¬†come in anyway….ah screw the philisophical debate, I’m too tired for that right now.¬† I did have a few questions though that I thought should be addressed.

Peter with the keys.

1. If they had everything they needed to build a wall for the stairwell, why the hell didn’t they re-enforce the said wall? It was established that the zombies still retained a little bit of their memories, even if it is just a ghost memory. Everyone in the group knew where it was and how easy it was to get through Then after they start to break through the one part of the wall, they can just head shot them from the other side until they get bored or decide to leave. Idiots! Turn it into a REAL wall!
2. The pie fight. I bet that one sounded a lot better on paper and I bet they had a lot of fun doing it, but still. Who in their right mind would even bother throwing a pie(s) at zombies when you have A FREAKING ARSONAL OF GUNS YOU JUST FINISHED STEALING!?!?!?
3.¬†I just want to point out once again how much I loved the hicks! These guys fight to the bitter end and drink even longer than that. Here’s to ya guys!

The flimsy wall and a plank that could have barracaded it.

 
 
 
 
March 13 2011
 
How the hell did I come to like the Nazi’s?¬†That is a good question. I wouldn’t say that I like the NAZI’s so much as I like them as an enemy in a story, especially super weapons and ext. I think that the fact that they were a real organization makes them all the more¬†scarey than made up ones like the¬†Borg from¬†Star Trek.I was first introduced to the Nazi’s through a computer¬†game I think we all cherrish from back in the day, Wolfenstien 3D. In this game you are a prisoner in Castle Wolfenstien¬†and must fight through ten floors (nine floors one bonus) of Nazi hell before taking on Mecha Hitler , not too shabby. This would lead to my love of Superscience¬†in following movies like the Iron Giant and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (laugh all you want, gotta love retro¬†stuff any way you can take it).¬†I would not see the Nazi’s again until much later in Lois and Clark where the Nazi’s return and Superman must save Metropolis from them. Lolz…and it just went downhill from there. After reading on some of the experiments done to prisoners at labour camps I no longer have to wonder just how sick and twisted¬†people can be when given absolute power and endless resources. On¬†a¬†less serious tone though we did get some¬†cool stories of Hitler looking for religious artifacts¬†and other worldly powers¬†to augment his army and win the¬†war¬†in movies and in real life. One of my favourites is Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the¬†Lost Ark, where the Nazi’s are looking for the Ark of the Covanent in order to ensure victory for the Third Reich.¬†One might wonder what would have happened if they had won the war in real life, though I’d rather I’m sure it would not be good.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE ZOMBIES
 
Another thing I’ve always quite enjoyed are zombie movies. Nothing is quite as chilling as someone you know or love turning into a mindless fleash eating plauge carrier. The thing that scares me about zombies the most is probably when they all swarm in on a person in packs overwhelming him/her instantly being ripped apart. I started with the Evil Dead (watching them backwards from three to one) and then parodies like Shawn of the Dead.¬†Now I am moving through classics like Night of the Living Dead and¬†Dead Snow.¬† Night of the Living Dead is a clasic that I think everyone who likes this genre of film should watch. For a film over forty years old there are things in there that will still make you shiver a little in your seat. Dead Snow was not nearly as good as it should have been in my mind, but it had a few redeeming factors (though not enough to put it in my top ten). I’m also going to recomend the show The Walking Dead to zombie fans, and even though there is only one season of six or seven episodes, there are more on the way, and it showes great promise. Also after watching three movies back to back I came up with a few Zombie Survival tips I think we should all be aware of. If you get bitten by a zombie, either take yourself out or get your friends to do it for you. Do not try and hide the bite because you will just turn into a zombie and try to eat your friends, and there will be one or two that can’t bring themselves to pull the trigger. Just FYI, if you got bit and I noticed, I would have no problem¬†busting a¬†cap in¬†your face. Easy. I really hate watching people getting killed by their own stupidity and not being able to hack the head off of their friend or family members, letting emotion get in the way of logic.¬† I doubt Mr. Spock would mind tearing off Kirks head if he knew what lay in store for the rest of the crew.¬†Guns are not really suited for zombie waredare. Loud sounds will just attract more zombies. For fuck sakes get a crossbow or even just blunt objects. If there are many of them, run the fuck away, only shoot if you have to. Last, if your traveling with people who like to sneak up on you and grab you at random, or have a habbit of tripping while running and can’t seem to pick themselves up after, get new friends NOW. They will only hold you back. Or, push them into the zombies and while they are feasting on his/her flesh, take the oppritunity to run and not feel bad as they would have just died at a later point anyway. Regardless¬†of all that though, you just gotta love Zombies and all things related.
 
 
 
 
Two words… NAZI ZOMBIES!!!
 
 
 
¬†I didn’t think that anything could top Nazi-Superscience (the pinicle of all superscience) until a month ago we got Black Ops for the PS3 in which you can go survival mode against an endless horde of undead Nazi’s in Kino Der Totoen (Theater of the Dead). I like Call of Duty as much as the next trigger happy first person shooter addict but adding NAZI ZOMBIES was the best idea they could EVER come up with. This is what I was talking about earlier. Nazi Superscience goes wrong to create fucking Nazi zombies who don’t give a crap what race you are, they will eat your brains just the same. I want to take this time to personally thank the creators of Black Ops for their zombie stage Kino Der Toten (Theater of the Dead) a theater with Nazi flags hanging round and mostly boarded up. The objective is to first hold off zombies in the lobby until you can earn enough points to make it to the power switch and turn the power back on behind the stage. Once that is accomplished you can access all the benifits in the vending machines (better health, faster reloading, quick revive, ect) and locate the mystery box which allows you to get a random weapon including the ray gun and lightning gun. The other cool thing is the teleporter that takes you to the projection room, where you can upgrade your weapon with the Pack A Punch machine making it more powerful (as zombies take more and more hits each wave you survive) and even change the film reel with other ones you find around the level. After thirty seconds you teleport into a random room (a room you cannot access any way else) for like three seconds before returning to the lobby of the theater again. The two rooms that I like the best are the little girls room (empty with a teddy bear and dissemboddied laughter of a little girl) and the same room but torn apart with blood everywhere¬† having been ripped apart by zombies.¬† There is another stage where you are in the pentagon and you can play as JFK, Nixon, Castro and the secretary of defence. JFK is probably my favourite but Nixon is pretty funny too. This is what great games are made of.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

January 29 2011

 

The most powerful Goomba in Super Mario Bro’s from the 1985 classic for the origonal Nintendo Entertainment System. I remember this little bastard. He loves to lurk around¬†level one and kill all the noob players of the day. EVERYONE died on this guy at least once making giving him enough kills to reach Hammer Head Bro status or higher. Do you remember this Goomba? He remembers you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Oh SHIT SON!!!!

January 24 2011

 

This weekend has been kind of slow and in all honesty I am trying my hardest to keep busy. However there has been plenty of spare time to play the Legend of Zelda Ocirana of Time. This game when I first played it satisfied me to no end. Its a masterpiece that shows a darker future where Ganon reigns a shattered world brought on by his greed for more power. In case someone out there is reading who doesn’t actually know me, I LOVE the Legend of Zelda. I beat the origonal when I was three and made true on a promise I made when I was seven to get a Zelda tattoo one day. To play the game over again from scratch and re-enter the world of Hyrule was just as fullfilling as the first time around, maybe even a bit more. I am currently just about done the Shadow Temple and with plans to start the Biggoron Sword sidequest after (yes I know I could have done it ages ago but I never use the damn thing and its a low priority on my list. The Water Temple was still as annoying as I remember, not because its hard but if you forget something after changing the water levels, you have to go back¬† and its kind of tedious. I also don’t want to spend a lot of time screwing around getting the gold scale because its not VITAL for me to go fishing for a half hour. If I had to pick a favourite level it would have to be either the Forest Temple (because its dark, you fight ghosts and the music all make it work as a total) and the Dessert Colossus because you have to complete parts of it in the past and then return to the future to finish the job. This game helped save the N64 by not releasing a Megaman 3D like game. Holy crap was that bad. Anyway, I highly encourage all of you to go dust off your N64 and replay this timeless classic (pun fucking intended)!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wait for it....BOO YA

 

YELLOW RANGER UPSKIRT!!!

UPDATED January 28 2011

Okay. You guys are probably thinking that I am going through Power Rangers episodes now just for these upskirt things but that is simply not the case. They just really pop out at me. Why? I don’t know, maybe deep down I am just pervy but I am going with the fact that the panties are bright yellow. A new addition to the Power Panty collection is the second yellow ranger Aisha played by Karen Ashley revealed panties to an audiences four and up. In episode 16 of season three Aisha leans over to pick up Kat (a cat who later becomes the pink ranger when Kimberly leaves the show) and here is the shot. Boo Ya! Note that they are also bright yellow and for some reason look just like Ashleys from Power Rangers in Space. So if Karen Ashley is the yellow second yellow ranger, and the fourth yellow ranger’s name is Ashley and they both wear the same panties this means…… absoloutly nothing. Whatever. Now that this issue has been properly addressed, I can now get back to Kimberly hogging the spotlight as she leaves the show. Why does Kimberly have a better send off than Jason, Trini and Zack? Thats just not fair…

January 23 2011

No seriously. After watching Linkara’s History of Power Rangers in Space I decided to give it a shot and I’m really glad I did. After finishing¬† 43 episodes of pure awesomeness (okay there were some fillers) one thing stood out. It happened around five minutes into episode 31 Rangers Gone Psycho. The Rangers are sitting down to lunch after being away in space for a while and decide to get burgers. A beep alerts the rangers but it turns out to be this little girl with an electronic address book. Ashley the yellow ranger turns around to talk to her and opens her legs for the world to see. The best part of the whole thing though is that her panties are yellow. Somehow that seems fitting. Man I love this show. Check the pictures.

Out.

 

January 22 2011

Do you know just how awesome the N64 is? Right now were playing Super Mario 64 and blasting music over a decent stereo with plans to move on to Goldeneye soon. I never owned an N64 when they were new. All my friends had one, I still had my Nintendo Entertainment System laughing my ass off as I beat Super Mario 3 for the millionth time. Sure there was the Sega Genisis that we got for Christmas that one year but it only lasted a total of six months before somebody WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMLESS blew it up three months in. So when I got this thing for Christmas from my Mother and sister it was pay dirt baby. I remember they specifically got Perfect Dark (with the expansion pak) and Zelda OOT. Two games I had wanted to play for the longest time and now I owned them.  Unfortunatly the one thing I have now that I am unemployed is time. So roomies and friends paddle up because Borris is coming to cap your ass with a magnum. I AM INVINCIBLE!!!

June 07 / 10

8:46pm

It was inevitable.¬† The day has cometh. Today I shall talk about *gasp* SOUL CALIBUR. The past two years I have rekindled a childhood facination with fighting games.This probably goes back to traveling on the ferry to Manitoulin Island and playing Virtua fighter against my brother.¬† I didn’t have the super Nintendo growing up, so I missed out on a lot of that hype and almost missed Mortal Kombat. I caught the tail end of it years later after it was out on playstation. I remember playing Soul Calibur 2 on gamecube when I rented it once, but the first time I gazed upon Soul Calibur in all its glory was two years ago, the morning after I woke up in a strange bed with a hangover and work that day. Needless to say I called in sick and geeked out with this girl and had pancakes if I recall correctly. Ever since that moment I have been sucked into a whole new level of awesome I never knew existied.¬† My main beef with fighting games had been the choppy controls and rediculis combinations you had to memorize and very stiff movement. See Mortal Kobat for details. Each character weilds his or her own weapon ranging from rapiers to bo staffs. The movement in all 8 directions is fluent and makes side stepping a lot easier. I find it is the wide variety of characters available. This made me go nuts and gave me my one and only vice in college. From 8am to 11:30pm every day (save weekends) I was out of the house and for one hour I was a kick ass fighting machine. I even brought it in to the lunch room on my last day and had a tournement on the TV for saftey videos.¬† The main problem I have is that I can’t find anyone who will play me because I play it far more than they do.¬† I have then passed the torch onto a friend of mine who was a gamer, just not really into fighting games I guess.. She went out and got a PS3 and the copy of Soul Calibur 4. I have long since wanted to host another tournement but the pickings are scarce and the timing all wrong. For those who can make it to my birthday, there will be a tournement for those who can take it.¬† I’m still forming the rules but its safe to say it will be DRINKING Soul Calibur tournement.¬† Anyway, I’ve rattled on long enough. If you havn’t played it, I recommend it. you might be suprised.

June 01 2010  7:45pm

For those of you who do not know, I have a new job. Gone are the days of begging for your money on the street corner for various charities. Now I deliver letters, packages and other things to the offices of Downtown Vancouver and the surrounding area.¬† On my first day I saw a fellow courier pick up his bike by the handle bars and throw it down the sidewalk followed by his helmet. He was cursing and spitting while yelling about something that was drowned out by his own anger. Seriously, I couldn’t¬† understand what he was on about. Until I actually did this job for two weeks I did not understand how someone could get this angry. Really, pissed off would be several steps below where this guy was at. Well, I can now shed some light on the mystery. Folks, this is what bike couriers put up with.

1. One Way Streets.

In Vancouver , one way streets are literally around every corner. Most of them are big enough for two-way traffic however they insist on making them specifically one direction, usually the WRONG direction from which I need to travel.  Sure I can suck it up and just go around, but why the hell should I?

2. Numberless Buildings.

This one is number two just under one way streets. Cars must always have their number displayed. Bike Couriers must always have their numbers displayed. BUILDINGS SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE THEIR NUMBERS DISPLAYED! One building in particular has the number displayed… ON THE SIDEWALK!!! Who the hell would think to look on the side¬† walk? It would be like having the name of a video cassette on the INSIDE of the box only.¬† Its at times like this when I just hang my head and sigh. For a newbie biker its tough especially if you’ve never been to the building before and only have 5 minutes to deliver the package to the place but you can’t find it because some dick put it on the sidewalk in which we are not allowed to ride on. Seriously. Its against the law. It is even worse when the buildings beside it also do not have numbers displayed, so you have to find the right block and work your way in. Its bull shite! Once you know where everything is, it gets easier, but for rooks it is a headache.

3. Health Canada.

What do I have against Health Canada? This one is only an annoyance really but this is how it works. As a courier I get paid for every delivery via commission. So for something low priority I get like $3. For something high priority I get around $5.¬† Health Canada really screws us over by taking huge envelopes (I mean HUGE zipper rainproof ones) and PACKS them as full as they can. Two of these things barley fit in my¬† bag and it won’t close all the way because of the size and they take up so much room its hard to carry anything else. They are also surprisingly heavy.¬† So not only do they pack them as full as they can but they give them the lowest priority available. This would not be so bad if the office they send it to was close to the core, but no. Both of the other buildings are actually sort of out of the way. So you have to leave the core to drop them, wasting both time on the return and wearing you out a bit. Health Canada is government run. They can afford to up the priority damnit!

4. The Motorists.

This one is not too bad in this city however there are still some things that they do that can really get on your nerves. The first and foremost is the honking of the horn. I hate this. Drivers are inside a car and have no idea just how loud the horn is when directed at a cyclist not a meter in front of them. I saw a courier get honked at by a transport truck because he could not get up to full speed when the light turned green. This blast took him off gaurd and he almost fell over. This caused him to take longer in crossing the street and that set off a whole pack of angry motorists honking their horns. Drivers, horns are not meant to be used this way. Also, when it rains, bikers go a little slower. This is because when brakes get wet, they do not work as well as they do dry. So we take some time. Deal with it.

5. Elevator TV’s.

This one probably only irritates me, but new elevators are really creepy. They now talk to you, just like in star trek. My question is WHY? Sure if your blind I guess it makes things easier but its really annoying. The voice also reminds me of the computer on I Robot. I’m expecting it to one day say “you are on floor 20. All humans must die”. That part is bearable, but here is the worst part.¬† All of them have these TV’s in them that tell you the weather country wide in case you are suddenly wondering what its like in Toronto that day, and the rest is just adds. It reminds me of 1984 and big brother. These TV’s take all the atmosphere out of the elevator and makes it that much harder to strike up a conversation with the person standing next to you. I like talking to people in public spaces. One day I was talking to a woman in the elevator and she told me that none of the other couriers talk to her at all, they just watch the TV’s. Even I sometimes catch myself looking at them only to feel like its some type of brainwashing. Were having adds and stats pumped into us all over the place, but this is too far. Also this one is not really a bother for other couriers, just for me cause I’m weird like that.

So that is my rant on the top five things that irritate couriers and myself. I hope you find it educational and interesting. I will at some other point add some things I love about the job and stay tuned for the top 5 buildings I’ve seen in Vancouver.

January 15 2010 11:16pm

Alright. Maybe its the fever, the meds or the beer but here I was sitting alone in my house watching the Super¬† Mario Brothers Show when a thought occured to me. Princesses like Toadstool (yes TOADSTOOL, Peach is not a name) gets captured a lot. I mean quite freaquently. In many episodes of this show and almost every Super Mario game in which she appears (every one I think if you remember that Super Mario 2 isn’t Super Mario 2)she is captured by King Koopa and/or¬† Bowser. Princess Toadstool lives in a castle, surrounded by gaurds yet she has managed to get kidnapped over 7 times off the top of my head. Even if their security is like the RCMP and it takes them a half hour to respond to a crisiss, a princess like Toadstool should have access to some Fire Power or a Star. Something!¬† So after being captured many times one might question if she is even trying to get away at all. What if Princess Toadstool actually likes to be captured? By this point you probably think I’m nuts but hear me through. Many princesses get captured. It happens. It is the main point of many stories from our childhoods, it was the norm.¬† Princess Leia was captured by Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt. You can’t get away from Vader and she killed Jabba. Were going to let Zelda off the hook because technically in each game its a different Zelda. Princess Jasmine even fought Jaffar in the second Aladin movie (why I know this scares me). Toadstool does not have any excuses. So I conversed with a fellow nerd and came to the conclusion that Toadstool has developed a love for whips, chains and total domination. She no longer feels the pressure of ruling a land of fungas and does not have a fat Brooklyn plumber who has a major mushroom problem hitting on her. Her desire is now that of spikes and fire, the void only a hardcore punk like Bowser can fill. As proof I have attatched the following picture as evidence in my media file. It is titled Exibit A. This picture was taken by a professional photographer with the highest reputation around. This took place in World 8, Pipe Land. The other picture I found by googling Toadstool and Bondage.¬† Now that the truth is revealed, I hope you can now put down your Nintendo controllers and no longer work endlessly to rescue a princess who does not want to be saved. We can rest comfortably knowing that she is probably in a far better place having the time of her life licking Bowsers feet. (A quote from the show… watch the first episode.) I ask you, am I on to something here or what?

January 14 2010:

A while ago I noticed an interesting ad in the Straight titled “WHY WOMEN HAVE SEX”.¬† Now before even reading the article I had the answer. After an entire page of drivle they finally got to the point. BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD. Now really. Is this worthy of our time? Apperently so because after that I was paying more attention to magazines at the grocery store and even that stupid page after you log out of hotmail. Ten sex moves that will drive your man crazy, 25 steps to a better relationship and best of all How to Save your Relationship. Really… this is what has become of our media. Vouge magazine is another irritant in my life. I personally know a girl who picks up this magazine every month just to find out how to do her eyebrows and if she should wear fake glasses.¬† Does this not annoy you as much as it annoys me?

December 16 2010

Good News Everybody!

I have found the password to my blog after organizing my belongings in my room. Now I can rant away and you can keep tabs on what I am up to these days. If you havn’t read my Courier entries, I’ll save you the trouble. I got¬† fired, my boss decided he just didn’t want me around anymore. All things considered I am rather pissed off. This month I have had my Iphone stolen, a root canal done, My alien charm was knifed off my bike, the flu, owe Revenue Canada more than I make a month, fired and dumped. Merry Fucking Christmas. Fuck you December, Fuck you! I am retreating to Ontario for the last bit of December and if my plane decides to not fall out of the sky for no particular reason, I’ll be updating again around December 22. In the mean time, I am going to go drink a lot of fireball whiskey and yell “DEY TOORK MY JERB” at the wall while watching Archer.¬† Thank you for your time.

Will Out!

The most powerful Goomba