Whatchu Talkin Bout Will?

March 18 2011

The Biker Returns from Day of the Dead as a zombie!

Today we get a double review as because for the first time in my life I celebrated St. Patricks Day and let me tell you it was over rated. Though I did pierce someones lip with a giant pin without an apple or whatever. He asked me to, though he later told me he was on meth, I thought he was just drunk. Anyway, in keeping with the recent trend of Living Dead movies, I’ve got two more to chalk up. Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead.

Land of the Dead


Fiddler's Green


It has been some time now after the events of Day of the Dead and the situation is even worse. We start off with old broadcasts from previous movies as well as some new ones leading up to the events now, and we also learn that this phenomenon is all over the world via non english broadcasts. We start with scenes of zombies in Pitsburg following their old lives to an extent. Some are playing instruments and their is “Big Daddy” a zombie who runs a gas station who comes out when he hears the bell. We are introduced to our main characer Riley Denbo who is watching Big Daddy and talking to another guy. Riley suspects that they are learning and this is further suspected when Big Daddy grunts to another zombie who notices them as well. Like they are talking. We then cut to a truck with the second in command Cholo DeMora (HOLY SHIT BOYS AND GIRLS ITS LUIGI FROM THE SUPER MARIO BROS MOVIE!!!)and two others throwing large crates of “trash” out into a pit of zombies. He has a gas powered mini-spear launcher which is not only deadly, but silent too. There is blood coming from the box. Back with Riley we meet Charlie. Charlie’s face is half burnt and he doesn’t appear to be too bright but with his one good eye he is a hell of a shot, prefering precision rifles rather than automatic weapons. They are part of a team out looking for supplies in the rest of the world for the city of the living called Fiddler’s Green which is surrounded by three lakes and an electrec fence that covers the only land connection called the “choke”. There are also three bridges raised up to prevent access.  There is a heavy tank-like thing designed by Riley called the Dead Reckoning that is loaded to the tits with missiles, gun hatches, mini-guns and even fireworks that they use to distract the zombies as they cannot take their eyes off of them allowing them to move about freely. It is esscorted by a outfitted jeep and several motorcycles with side cars for a gun man. Riley talks with Cholo saying that its his last day and that he is retiring, Cholo admits he doesn’t want command and is going to retire too. As they set about for more supplies, Cholo dissobeys orders and goes to sack a bottle shop for booze as it sells for a fortune back in the city. He also grabs a box of cigars, dropping many

Big Daddy and his troops

 of them. He tells the new guy to pick them up and he is promptly bitten by a zombie on the arm. Rather than become a zombie the new guy shoots himself in the head. Its worth mentioning htat the time it takes for someone to turn into a zombie is outside an hour now. Riley tells him off for losing a man over non-essentials like booze, but Cholo is the kind of guy who doesn’t really care seeing it as not his fault the guy wasn’t more careful. The Dead Reckoning’s “flower launcher” getts jammed and they have to make a run for it. As they leave Big Daddy grabs an automatic rifle off the back of a guy on a motorcycle and follow the convoy down the road.

The Dead Reckoning makes it home via underground subway systems that go under the lake and the supplies are unloaded. Here we get an amusig clip of life in Fiddler’s Green and even a zombie outbreak won’t stop the rich from living out their old lives in the giant tower at the heart of the city. Cholo reveals that he is planning to buy an apartment in the tower to Riley who tells him that he is dreaming if he thinks that they will let a lower class citizen in. Cholo doesn’t seem worried. When he gets to the top he meets the guy in charge of the whole city, Paul Kaufman we get to see how the upper class live, eating dinner, shopping for extravogent shit like scarves and cloths while Riley walks the streets below that are more like slums. People of lower class suffer not able to get medicene or even a lot of the food that is brought in mostly going to the rich in the city, even though they are the ones going out to get it. We meet a man named Mulligan who is trying to unify the people and over throw Kaufman but not too many people are interested, Riley just gives him antibiotics for his sick son, not taking a penny. Riley was planning to take the car he bought to Canada with Charlie but when he gets there, there is no car. He decides to do something about it. Meanwhile Cholo is outside Kaufmans apartment when he investigates a woman crying. Inside is a man who hanged himself and is turning into a zombie, which he takes care of effectivly.  Meanwhile we get to see how the lower class lives as Riley goes hunting for leads on his car. They use zombies at bars for things like “take a picture with a zombie” or even fights over meals in a cage. Todays live animal is something new though, not a cat or a dog. It is a prostitute by the name of Slack who is not going down without a fight. The crowd cheers on making more bets on the poor woman completley unconcerned with her fate. Riley sees this though and shoots the zombies through the mesh

Never get a zombie to fill your car

causing the crowd to disperse and the midgit to start shooting at them. Charlie takes out the midget with a very well aimed shot in the head while he was running and security shows up an arrests them (Riley, Charlie and Slack). Outside the city walls on the other side of the lake the zombies have reached a barracade and can’t get through. Big Daddy instructs a knife weilding guy on how to cut through it and find a bunch of zombies hanging upside down with targets on them

 (obviously used for target practice). Behind them is the tower and the rest of the city. Cholo finally meets with Kaufman ready with wine and cigars but notes that he already has both, so the suck up is sorta ruined. Cholo has been taking out his “garbage” for three years now and with all the money that Kaufman owes him, he asks him for an apartment of his own inside the city but Kaufman refuses saying there is a long wait list and other such excuses. Cholo reminds him that he knows all of his secrets and threatens to expose them if he doesn’t comply, but Kaufman calls in a gaurd to escort him out (he keeps all the cigars and wine Cholo brought him) and quietly tells him that his services are no longer required. Cholo escapes the gaurd in the stairwell. Outraged he gathers some of the crew of the Dead Reckoning (without Riley) and heads to the gates where the truck is. While attempting to steal it Big Daddy and his gang attack the outpost breaking down the fence (not electric, thats across the lake) and over-running the living. Cholo and the mutineers board the Dead Reckoning but decide not to help in the fight (which could have prevented a lot of shit from happening) and leave the way the zombies got in. Big Daddy sees the tower lit up like a fucking christmas tree and starts advancing.

Kaufman gets a call from Cholo who wants his money Kaufman owes him to five million in cash sent across the lake via boat or else he will target Dead Reckonings missiles at the tower giving him two hours (midnight). Cholo leaves a guy named mouse alone at the pier to wait for the money…like he isn’t going to get eaten by zombies!  Kaufman instead calls in Riley to take Cholo out as he used to work under him and he might not get shot up by him. Riley agrees in return for his car which Kaufman took to prevent Riley from leaving as he found him a valuable reasource and also gets Charlie and Slack out of jail to join him. There is a funny scene where a gaurd tries to give Charlie a sub-machine gun which he refuses prefering his own rifle and pistols. The gaurd says “this beast fires fourteen rounds a second” and he replies “I don’t normally need that many”. This is why Charlie is one of my favourite characters prefering accuracy over a complete waste of bullets as his M1 Carbine seems to work

Inside the Dead Reckoning

 just fine and is also lightweight. He is also joined by three other people, Mowtown, Manolette and Pilsburry (a fat guy) who work for Kaufman as an esscort. Riley and Manolette retrieve the ammo while Pilsbury and Mowtown prepare the jeep and discovers the area has been breached and informs Kaufman. Manolette is bitten by a zombie right before they leave and Charlie gets the headshot through the chest even though the head is only hanging on by a strand behind the zombies back. Slack shoots him in the head. Using a device Riley can follow the Dead Reckonnigs movements via tracking device and guesses Cholo’s launch point. Using the jeep, they and gets there first. Meanwhile Mouse gets his ass eaten back at the docks because he was inside a dark shack with no lights while stoned listing to music via headphones. Thats just a really fucking bad idea man. Called it though. Big Daddy gets to the shore overlooking the city but the water seperates them. Taking a step off the dock he dissapears into the water and later emerges on the other side having walked across the bottom with his entire horde of zombies. They now are inside the city.  Cholo arrives and Riley and Charlie approach and gain entrence to Dead Reckoning, but have guns pulled on them but they are still in the open hatch allowing for a shot to be taken by the other three members outside. Things are getting worse in the city with the zombies, many people having been bitten or now with Big Daddy helping them out, shot. Mowtown takes the shot but Riley kicks him out of the truck preventing a fatal shot but still grazing Cholo in the side. Then Mowtown is bit by a zombie that sneaks up on them. In the confusion Charlie gets his captors gun and now holds the Dead Reckoning. An explosion from the city catches their ears and they see the city on fire and decide to return to the city to help. Cholo and Foxey decide to take the “Woody” (jeep) and head for cleveland but is bit by a zombie on the hand a short while later. He decides to stay alive wanting to see how the other half “lives” and decides with his remaining time to return and take out Koffman. Back in the city the zombies have reached the tower and break through the glass door. The rich people inside are easily taken down having never really fought any zombies before and havning no weapons available. The Dead Reckoning makes it to a very familier looking bridge and lower it to cross into the city. Zombies start trying to break into the truck forcing Riley to climb the truck and enter through the top hatch. Better close it… In the city the fleeing

Oh No... Were Fucked!

citizens encounter the electric fense that once served to keep the zombies out is now keeping them in with zombies closing in on them. The Dead Reckoning launches more fireworks that momentarily distracts the zombies, but only for a second before they continue to advance. Kaufman makes it to the basment where he has a car ready to take him to a pre-made fort with supplies and defences but Big Daddy corners him in and his driver ran off with the keys. Using a nearby gas pump he puts the nozzle through the windsheild and fills the car with gas, but then buggers off. Cholo appears in the shadows advancing on Kaufman who shoots him until he falls over, only to have him get back up and reveal that he is a zombie. He wrestles with him for a bit until Big Daddy throws a burning object into the basement blowing up the car and both Kaufman and Cholo-zombie. Finally the Dead Reckoning makes it to the fence where the zombies are eating the people trapped on the other side. Riley fires three missiles into them destroying the fence and killing everything there. More survivors are revealed to be hiding around a corner and safely leave the city through the choke and onto a new life. Not all of them leave. Mulligan and others stay to rebuild the city the way they wanted to and kick the zombies out. Guess they should have closed the hatch because a zombie did get in and ate another not important guy. As they prepare to head for Canada (a land where there are no people according to Riley) they see Big Daddy with his closer goons still in the city and well in the range of their missiles. Riley decides not to shoot because he is just looking for a place to go. I strongly dissargree with this as Mulligan is not fighting a super-zombie and with that threat gone, the others are just idiots. He could have really used the help, not to mention how many people died due to Big Daddy? A shitload! He brought the city to its knees! Kill the fucker. As they drive down the road they fire off the last of their fireworks stating that they won’t need them anymore…until they get to Canada and need them for the zombies who HAVN’T seen them before, so they would still be effective. Who put this guy in charge of tactics again?

Well after writing for hours I have finally caught up. I love this movie for the following reasons.

Zombies Kill a Sales Associate!

1.We get to see the stupidity of our society still continues after it collapses, people still wanting an easy life with lots of pretty little things to buy even though others are starving around them.Those who work hard are seldome rewarded and instead get the same scraps everyone else gets due to the lazy and power hungry. Those who have the money and the luxury are defenseless as they rely on others to survive, and therefore are ultimatly doomed.

The Zombie Slayer

2. The Dead Reckoning. I love this tank, perfectly designed to go out into infested areas and bring back supplies. With a fleet of these things the living would have no problem going wherever they wanted, and had Cholo killed all the zombies at the gate when he had the chance, the city probably wouldn’t have fallen. Just one tank is that powerful, they should have had a fleet!

Charlie and his M1 Carbine

3.Charlie. Though he reminds me a little bit of the retard from “Of Mice and Men” he is much smarter and has a wicked shot. He doesn’t waste ammo like most of the military with automatic rifles and can hit something in the head while its moving through a small opening just by waiting for the right moment. He also provides comic relief that ISN’T annoying.

Day of the Dead

Bub salutes you!


I guess its even later on in the series and here we follow an new cast (Bill, Sarah,John and Miguel) who fly a chopper into a city and try to attract possible survivors to get them to safety. It only attracts a group of zombies and they must fly back to the Everglades where there is an underground army bunker protected by a high chain link fence. We find out that they are scientists who are part of a military funded project to reverse the zombie effects. The old commander “Cooper” is dead leaving the next highest ranking officer Capitain Rhodes takes command though either the stress is getting to him too or he is just a prick as he refuses to let Miguel (Sarah’s boyfriend) take time off due to his deteriorating mental state. This leads to an accident where Miguel drops the zombie leash while getting more specimens to Dr. Logan (here on called by his nickname “Frankenstien”) who is the lead researcher. We can see that the military is only just tolerating the scientists as their is a clear lack of progress in their work and supplies and ammo are not as in abundance. It is clearly stated that they don’t have enough ammo to take out the zombies piling up outside the fence. Sarah thinks Miguel needs to take a sedative and sticks him against his will, which I have mixed feelings about because although he could have used it, he wasn’t really at the brink or hurting anyone (he slapped her but she WAS trying to stick him with a needle) so I think that she was in the wrong. That was the final straw that really broke their relationship to shit I guess.Rhodes calls a meeting for all the scientists but Frankenstien and Miguel are not present (Miguel is sleeping the shot off). At the meeting Rhodes authority is put to the limit when Sarah tries to leave and he threatens to shoot her if she leaves. Her being the only woman on base is drawing unwanted attention by the soldiers and the captain.  Anyway, Frankenstien has been using the dead soldiers bodies in his experements to further his research and crossing a major line in what little remains in their ethical code. Frankenstien has made some progress noting that the zombies do not eat to

Just a little prick.

survive, they do it out of instinct. We are introduced to Bub, Frankenstein’s personal pet zombie which he has been teaching to perform certain tasks and then rewarding him. He is very adament that civility is the key to peace with the zombies, and if they can be trained to not want flesh, then they can be domesticated. Bub salutes Rhodes noticing the uniform  and is given an unloaded pistol to further the experiment. Bub tries to shoot Rhodes (for being a prick) but it is of course empty and Rhodes gets pissed off. The next day Miguel is holding a zombie again durring a wranggling but the leather strap at the neck breaks and Miguel gets bit. Sarah cuts off his arm well above the bite and coterizes it. Rhodes wants to kill him as he lost two men and thinks Miguel is infected but the pilot of the helicopter John and Bill manage to hold Rhodes off. Rhodes is going to shut down all of Frankenstiens experiments and kill his subjects in the morning.

Deciding to get painkillers for Miguel, Bill and Sarah head to the lab and find the head of one of the recently dead soldiers on the table and they see Frankenstien feeding Bub some of their body parts as his “reward”. When Rhodes comes in and sees whats going on, he snaps, shoots Frankenstien and dissarms the science team of all of their guns by holding another scientist hostage but shoots him in the head anyway and then throws both Sarah and Bill into the zombie den and locks the specimen coral.He leaves John because he can fly the helicopter.  John refuses to fly it after what he did and they beat him around a little before they hear the elevator going up. Its Miguel who is either delerious or just pissed off at Rhodes and his troops and unlocks the gate and sacrafises himself by getting as many zombies on the pad and lowering it into the base. Back in the lab Bub gets loose. With Rhodes distracted John knocks him out and takes his guns following the others into the shaft. Rhodes meets with the last three troops on the base as the zombies pile in, and takes the only transport craft down the hall leaving them there to die. Meanwhile Bub finds the body of Frankenstien and there is a touching scene where he holds up his leash like he wanted to be walked. When he doesn’t move, Bub becomes enraged but sees a pistol on the floor and grabs it. The group make it to an elevator but its broken so they climb up to the surface instead. Rhodes is raiding a ammo locker when he encounters Bub. Rhodes gun is empty and because he is holding so many clips he can’t get one in the rifle. Rhodes runs for it but is shot in the back and he drops his rifle. He gets to a locked door and tries to run further down the hallway and is shot again. Now crawling along the wall he reaches the end of the hallway and opens the door to find a horde of zombies waiting for him. He turns around but is shot a final time by Bub and is violently ripped apart by the horde while screaming “CHOKE ON EM” repeatedly in one of the best death scenes in the whole franchise. Sarah, Bill and John make it to the helicopter and there is a fake ending where Sarah is grabbed by a zombie coming from the copter, but she is just asleep on a beach

Oh shit...zombies!!!

somewhere tropical as John and Bill fish.

This movie is actually really really good. Here we get to see for the first time the research going on to try and solve the problem, rather than just survive. The situation has been going on for a while now and it is discovered that the dead can survive for years to come, so its not going away anytime soon. The survivors inside the walls have started to buckle mentally and there is the division between the military and the scientists. The military led by Rhodes has the power and training have no one to answer to and under the stress of being issolated underground and the undead killing them off is taking their toll. Fights break out among the troops regularly and although they are to protect the scientists, they antagonize them and even threaten to kill them if they don’t follow orders. On the other hand we have the science team lead by Frankenstien who is also given too much freedom to do as he pleases no longer careing about morals or consequenses. Miguel is cracking up and can no longer perform his duties, Sarah dopes him up against his wishes and craddles the sedatives until he passes out. Bill (electritian) is a full blown alcoholic and doesn’t really want to stop anytime soon. John is holding up the best and often goes to his secret retreat with Bill to chill down. Another aspect of the movie I like is Bub. This is the first time in the Living Dead series that zombies show higher brain functions at all showing that they are learning and who knows, maybe Frankenstien was on to something. One of the last scenes in the film is a sequence of cut aways showing the base empty and smeared with blood while the zombies mow down on the remains. It is actually a little chilling to see. The only thing I really have to complain about is Sarah’s dream sequences, especially the one at the end. Its just distracting and not really needed to move the story.
My favourite characters in this story are Bill (double flasking it), Rhodes (CHOKE ON EM!!!), and Bub. They steal the show.





I just had to add this one...

March 16 2011
In keeping with the last post  I have taken upon myself to  stay up late durring the evenings and drink coffee while watching zombie movies. My theory is that the caffine causes your heart to beat faster and when you get scared or something pops out at you it sends adreniline through your body. Yeah, thats probably bad for you, but so is breathing so whatever, I’m young, I can take it… for now. Afterwards I usually find myself jumping at shadows and can’t sleep. Sure this is probably bad for my health but there is something to be said about being scared shitless. I think that poeople tend to forget their mortality way too often, or at least try not to think about it, but when you are paranoid as hell at three in the morning (I have no idea why this time unsettles me more than two or four am, I just always feel uneasy) its hard to ignore and you get to see how much you can tolerate.  Todays feature film is Dawn of the Dead, another classic I somehow missed growing up that I’m kicking myself for. By the way, for all of you who havn’t done so yet,
*Updated 1:10am*

Hicks shooting at Zombies

I just finished watching the movie and it was pretty damn good. It wasn’t as creepy as the first movie and I don’t think it was supposed to be however after the first one I went into it expecting terror. It kind of reminds me of the 1966 Batman TV show but not to the same extreame and much better put together (though the continuity errors alone had me rewinding a second and in one of the first scenes the character Stephen is called David by someone, which is the actors name. Stuff like that. Anyway, the story picks up where the last one ended however the times have changed by a decade (technology wise, TV’s are now portable, the fashon is full 70’s, ect) and things are getting worse for the world. Half of the safe zones they set up in Night of the Living Dead have been over run and some of the networked stations are no longer broadcasting. Everyone is blaming everyone scientists for not finding a cure, and others are saying that its the publics fault for not killing all of the zombies when they were not as many as they are now. Of course all the hicks are having a ball joining up with the army, police and other armed groups hunting zombies over open feilds in packs. GOTTA LOVE THE HICKS!!! Stephen is a traffic reporter and plans on stealing his helecopter and running away from the chaos. He takes his girlfriend Francine and invites a SWAT friend Peter (how they met is beyond me) who invites another SWAT guy named Roger. All four of them decide to land on the roof of a shopping mall later on when they are low on fuel and make a home there as there is food in cans right under their feet and everything they need to survive and protect themselves inside the mall. They start in the roof where Stephen finds the building plans and keys to all the stores and the power switch. They decide to stay but need to be ready, first they arm themselves at a gun shop in the mall (not actually in the real mall) and steal two 18 wheelers to block off the main entrences and loading bays. Then they wipe out all the zombies in the mall and clean up after the mess. Then they build rooms in the room at the top of the stairs where all their food is, block off the enterence to the only stairwell to said rooms with equitment from the hardware store making it look like a wall and then enjoy the freedom of the mall. Things are going mostly well until a group of bikers sees Stephen teaching Francine to fly the helicopter and they decide to break in and steal the supplies. All hell breaks loose that night when they remove the trucks and invade the mall allowing hordes of zombies in as well. Now they must fight off these assholes who have come to wreck their good thing  as well as the people trying to eat them. It should be noted that the group wanted to keep everything for themselves and not share, which I can agree with to some extent as they found the place first and did all the work of cleaning the mall out and patching it up, paying in blood and sacrafice, however there were only a few of them and more of the bikers, much of the ending of the movie could have been avoided if they had of shared their resources by throwing supplies off the roof but refusing them entry (as they obviously didn’t intend on staying being a motorcade), though they would have probably

Shoot those children zombies!

 come in anyway….ah screw the philisophical debate, I’m too tired for that right now.  I did have a few questions though that I thought should be addressed.

Peter with the keys.

1. If they had everything they needed to build a wall for the stairwell, why the hell didn’t they re-enforce the said wall? It was established that the zombies still retained a little bit of their memories, even if it is just a ghost memory. Everyone in the group knew where it was and how easy it was to get through Then after they start to break through the one part of the wall, they can just head shot them from the other side until they get bored or decide to leave. Idiots! Turn it into a REAL wall!
2. The pie fight. I bet that one sounded a lot better on paper and I bet they had a lot of fun doing it, but still. Who in their right mind would even bother throwing a pie(s) at zombies when you have A FREAKING ARSONAL OF GUNS YOU JUST FINISHED STEALING!?!?!?
3. I just want to point out once again how much I loved the hicks! These guys fight to the bitter end and drink even longer than that. Here’s to ya guys!

The flimsy wall and a plank that could have barracaded it.

March 13 2011
How the hell did I come to like the Nazi’s? That is a good question. I wouldn’t say that I like the NAZI’s so much as I like them as an enemy in a story, especially super weapons and ext. I think that the fact that they were a real organization makes them all the more scarey than made up ones like the Borg from Star Trek.I was first introduced to the Nazi’s through a computer game I think we all cherrish from back in the day, Wolfenstien 3D. In this game you are a prisoner in Castle Wolfenstien and must fight through ten floors (nine floors one bonus) of Nazi hell before taking on Mecha Hitler , not too shabby. This would lead to my love of Superscience in following movies like the Iron Giant and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (laugh all you want, gotta love retro stuff any way you can take it). I would not see the Nazi’s again until much later in Lois and Clark where the Nazi’s return and Superman must save Metropolis from them. Lolz…and it just went downhill from there. After reading on some of the experiments done to prisoners at labour camps I no longer have to wonder just how sick and twisted people can be when given absolute power and endless resources. On a less serious tone though we did get some cool stories of Hitler looking for religious artifacts and other worldly powers to augment his army and win the war in movies and in real life. One of my favourites is Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, where the Nazi’s are looking for the Ark of the Covanent in order to ensure victory for the Third Reich. One might wonder what would have happened if they had won the war in real life, though I’d rather I’m sure it would not be good.
Another thing I’ve always quite enjoyed are zombie movies. Nothing is quite as chilling as someone you know or love turning into a mindless fleash eating plauge carrier. The thing that scares me about zombies the most is probably when they all swarm in on a person in packs overwhelming him/her instantly being ripped apart. I started with the Evil Dead (watching them backwards from three to one) and then parodies like Shawn of the Dead. Now I am moving through classics like Night of the Living Dead and Dead Snow.  Night of the Living Dead is a clasic that I think everyone who likes this genre of film should watch. For a film over forty years old there are things in there that will still make you shiver a little in your seat. Dead Snow was not nearly as good as it should have been in my mind, but it had a few redeeming factors (though not enough to put it in my top ten). I’m also going to recomend the show The Walking Dead to zombie fans, and even though there is only one season of six or seven episodes, there are more on the way, and it showes great promise. Also after watching three movies back to back I came up with a few Zombie Survival tips I think we should all be aware of. If you get bitten by a zombie, either take yourself out or get your friends to do it for you. Do not try and hide the bite because you will just turn into a zombie and try to eat your friends, and there will be one or two that can’t bring themselves to pull the trigger. Just FYI, if you got bit and I noticed, I would have no problem busting a cap in your face. Easy. I really hate watching people getting killed by their own stupidity and not being able to hack the head off of their friend or family members, letting emotion get in the way of logic.  I doubt Mr. Spock would mind tearing off Kirks head if he knew what lay in store for the rest of the crew. Guns are not really suited for zombie waredare. Loud sounds will just attract more zombies. For fuck sakes get a crossbow or even just blunt objects. If there are many of them, run the fuck away, only shoot if you have to. Last, if your traveling with people who like to sneak up on you and grab you at random, or have a habbit of tripping while running and can’t seem to pick themselves up after, get new friends NOW. They will only hold you back. Or, push them into the zombies and while they are feasting on his/her flesh, take the oppritunity to run and not feel bad as they would have just died at a later point anyway. Regardless of all that though, you just gotta love Zombies and all things related.
Two words… NAZI ZOMBIES!!!
 I didn’t think that anything could top Nazi-Superscience (the pinicle of all superscience) until a month ago we got Black Ops for the PS3 in which you can go survival mode against an endless horde of undead Nazi’s in Kino Der Totoen (Theater of the Dead). I like Call of Duty as much as the next trigger happy first person shooter addict but adding NAZI ZOMBIES was the best idea they could EVER come up with. This is what I was talking about earlier. Nazi Superscience goes wrong to create fucking Nazi zombies who don’t give a crap what race you are, they will eat your brains just the same. I want to take this time to personally thank the creators of Black Ops for their zombie stage Kino Der Toten (Theater of the Dead) a theater with Nazi flags hanging round and mostly boarded up. The objective is to first hold off zombies in the lobby until you can earn enough points to make it to the power switch and turn the power back on behind the stage. Once that is accomplished you can access all the benifits in the vending machines (better health, faster reloading, quick revive, ect) and locate the mystery box which allows you to get a random weapon including the ray gun and lightning gun. The other cool thing is the teleporter that takes you to the projection room, where you can upgrade your weapon with the Pack A Punch machine making it more powerful (as zombies take more and more hits each wave you survive) and even change the film reel with other ones you find around the level. After thirty seconds you teleport into a random room (a room you cannot access any way else) for like three seconds before returning to the lobby of the theater again. The two rooms that I like the best are the little girls room (empty with a teddy bear and dissemboddied laughter of a little girl) and the same room but torn apart with blood everywhere  having been ripped apart by zombies.  There is another stage where you are in the pentagon and you can play as JFK, Nixon, Castro and the secretary of defence. JFK is probably my favourite but Nixon is pretty funny too. This is what great games are made of.

January 29 2011


The most powerful Goomba in Super Mario Bro’s from the 1985 classic for the origonal Nintendo Entertainment System. I remember this little bastard. He loves to lurk around level one and kill all the noob players of the day. EVERYONE died on this guy at least once making giving him enough kills to reach Hammer Head Bro status or higher. Do you remember this Goomba? He remembers you.


January 24 2011


This weekend has been kind of slow and in all honesty I am trying my hardest to keep busy. However there has been plenty of spare time to play the Legend of Zelda Ocirana of Time. This game when I first played it satisfied me to no end. Its a masterpiece that shows a darker future where Ganon reigns a shattered world brought on by his greed for more power. In case someone out there is reading who doesn’t actually know me, I LOVE the Legend of Zelda. I beat the origonal when I was three and made true on a promise I made when I was seven to get a Zelda tattoo one day. To play the game over again from scratch and re-enter the world of Hyrule was just as fullfilling as the first time around, maybe even a bit more. I am currently just about done the Shadow Temple and with plans to start the Biggoron Sword sidequest after (yes I know I could have done it ages ago but I never use the damn thing and its a low priority on my list. The Water Temple was still as annoying as I remember, not because its hard but if you forget something after changing the water levels, you have to go back  and its kind of tedious. I also don’t want to spend a lot of time screwing around getting the gold scale because its not VITAL for me to go fishing for a half hour. If I had to pick a favourite level it would have to be either the Forest Temple (because its dark, you fight ghosts and the music all make it work as a total) and the Dessert Colossus because you have to complete parts of it in the past and then return to the future to finish the job. This game helped save the N64 by not releasing a Megaman 3D like game. Holy crap was that bad. Anyway, I highly encourage all of you to go dust off your N64 and replay this timeless classic (pun fucking intended)!

Wait for it....BOO YA



UPDATED January 28 2011

Okay. You guys are probably thinking that I am going through Power Rangers episodes now just for these upskirt things but that is simply not the case. They just really pop out at me. Why? I don’t know, maybe deep down I am just pervy but I am going with the fact that the panties are bright yellow. A new addition to the Power Panty collection is the second yellow ranger Aisha played by Karen Ashley revealed panties to an audiences four and up. In episode 16 of season three Aisha leans over to pick up Kat (a cat who later becomes the pink ranger when Kimberly leaves the show) and here is the shot. Boo Ya! Note that they are also bright yellow and for some reason look just like Ashleys from Power Rangers in Space. So if Karen Ashley is the yellow second yellow ranger, and the fourth yellow ranger’s name is Ashley and they both wear the same panties this means…… absoloutly nothing. Whatever. Now that this issue has been properly addressed, I can now get back to Kimberly hogging the spotlight as she leaves the show. Why does Kimberly have a better send off than Jason, Trini and Zack? Thats just not fair…

January 23 2011

No seriously. After watching Linkara’s History of Power Rangers in Space I decided to give it a shot and I’m really glad I did. After finishing  43 episodes of pure awesomeness (okay there were some fillers) one thing stood out. It happened around five minutes into episode 31 Rangers Gone Psycho. The Rangers are sitting down to lunch after being away in space for a while and decide to get burgers. A beep alerts the rangers but it turns out to be this little girl with an electronic address book. Ashley the yellow ranger turns around to talk to her and opens her legs for the world to see. The best part of the whole thing though is that her panties are yellow. Somehow that seems fitting. Man I love this show. Check the pictures.



January 22 2011

Do you know just how awesome the N64 is? Right now were playing Super Mario 64 and blasting music over a decent stereo with plans to move on to Goldeneye soon. I never owned an N64 when they were new. All my friends had one, I still had my Nintendo Entertainment System laughing my ass off as I beat Super Mario 3 for the millionth time. Sure there was the Sega Genisis that we got for Christmas that one year but it only lasted a total of six months before somebody WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMLESS blew it up three months in. So when I got this thing for Christmas from my Mother and sister it was pay dirt baby. I remember they specifically got Perfect Dark (with the expansion pak) and Zelda OOT. Two games I had wanted to play for the longest time and now I owned them.  Unfortunatly the one thing I have now that I am unemployed is time. So roomies and friends paddle up because Borris is coming to cap your ass with a magnum. I AM INVINCIBLE!!!

June 07 / 10


It was inevitable.  The day has cometh. Today I shall talk about *gasp* SOUL CALIBUR. The past two years I have rekindled a childhood facination with fighting games.This probably goes back to traveling on the ferry to Manitoulin Island and playing Virtua fighter against my brother.  I didn’t have the super Nintendo growing up, so I missed out on a lot of that hype and almost missed Mortal Kombat. I caught the tail end of it years later after it was out on playstation. I remember playing Soul Calibur 2 on gamecube when I rented it once, but the first time I gazed upon Soul Calibur in all its glory was two years ago, the morning after I woke up in a strange bed with a hangover and work that day. Needless to say I called in sick and geeked out with this girl and had pancakes if I recall correctly. Ever since that moment I have been sucked into a whole new level of awesome I never knew existied.  My main beef with fighting games had been the choppy controls and rediculis combinations you had to memorize and very stiff movement. See Mortal Kobat for details. Each character weilds his or her own weapon ranging from rapiers to bo staffs. The movement in all 8 directions is fluent and makes side stepping a lot easier. I find it is the wide variety of characters available. This made me go nuts and gave me my one and only vice in college. From 8am to 11:30pm every day (save weekends) I was out of the house and for one hour I was a kick ass fighting machine. I even brought it in to the lunch room on my last day and had a tournement on the TV for saftey videos.  The main problem I have is that I can’t find anyone who will play me because I play it far more than they do.  I have then passed the torch onto a friend of mine who was a gamer, just not really into fighting games I guess.. She went out and got a PS3 and the copy of Soul Calibur 4. I have long since wanted to host another tournement but the pickings are scarce and the timing all wrong. For those who can make it to my birthday, there will be a tournement for those who can take it.  I’m still forming the rules but its safe to say it will be DRINKING Soul Calibur tournement.  Anyway, I’ve rattled on long enough. If you havn’t played it, I recommend it. you might be suprised.

June 01 2010  7:45pm

For those of you who do not know, I have a new job. Gone are the days of begging for your money on the street corner for various charities. Now I deliver letters, packages and other things to the offices of Downtown Vancouver and the surrounding area.  On my first day I saw a fellow courier pick up his bike by the handle bars and throw it down the sidewalk followed by his helmet. He was cursing and spitting while yelling about something that was drowned out by his own anger. Seriously, I couldn’t  understand what he was on about. Until I actually did this job for two weeks I did not understand how someone could get this angry. Really, pissed off would be several steps below where this guy was at. Well, I can now shed some light on the mystery. Folks, this is what bike couriers put up with.

1. One Way Streets.

In Vancouver , one way streets are literally around every corner. Most of them are big enough for two-way traffic however they insist on making them specifically one direction, usually the WRONG direction from which I need to travel.  Sure I can suck it up and just go around, but why the hell should I?

2. Numberless Buildings.

This one is number two just under one way streets. Cars must always have their number displayed. Bike Couriers must always have their numbers displayed. BUILDINGS SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE THEIR NUMBERS DISPLAYED! One building in particular has the number displayed… ON THE SIDEWALK!!! Who the hell would think to look on the side  walk? It would be like having the name of a video cassette on the INSIDE of the box only.  Its at times like this when I just hang my head and sigh. For a newbie biker its tough especially if you’ve never been to the building before and only have 5 minutes to deliver the package to the place but you can’t find it because some dick put it on the sidewalk in which we are not allowed to ride on. Seriously. Its against the law. It is even worse when the buildings beside it also do not have numbers displayed, so you have to find the right block and work your way in. Its bull shite! Once you know where everything is, it gets easier, but for rooks it is a headache.

3. Health Canada.

What do I have against Health Canada? This one is only an annoyance really but this is how it works. As a courier I get paid for every delivery via commission. So for something low priority I get like $3. For something high priority I get around $5.  Health Canada really screws us over by taking huge envelopes (I mean HUGE zipper rainproof ones) and PACKS them as full as they can. Two of these things barley fit in my  bag and it won’t close all the way because of the size and they take up so much room its hard to carry anything else. They are also surprisingly heavy.  So not only do they pack them as full as they can but they give them the lowest priority available. This would not be so bad if the office they send it to was close to the core, but no. Both of the other buildings are actually sort of out of the way. So you have to leave the core to drop them, wasting both time on the return and wearing you out a bit. Health Canada is government run. They can afford to up the priority damnit!

4. The Motorists.

This one is not too bad in this city however there are still some things that they do that can really get on your nerves. The first and foremost is the honking of the horn. I hate this. Drivers are inside a car and have no idea just how loud the horn is when directed at a cyclist not a meter in front of them. I saw a courier get honked at by a transport truck because he could not get up to full speed when the light turned green. This blast took him off gaurd and he almost fell over. This caused him to take longer in crossing the street and that set off a whole pack of angry motorists honking their horns. Drivers, horns are not meant to be used this way. Also, when it rains, bikers go a little slower. This is because when brakes get wet, they do not work as well as they do dry. So we take some time. Deal with it.

5. Elevator TV’s.

This one probably only irritates me, but new elevators are really creepy. They now talk to you, just like in star trek. My question is WHY? Sure if your blind I guess it makes things easier but its really annoying. The voice also reminds me of the computer on I Robot. I’m expecting it to one day say “you are on floor 20. All humans must die”. That part is bearable, but here is the worst part.  All of them have these TV’s in them that tell you the weather country wide in case you are suddenly wondering what its like in Toronto that day, and the rest is just adds. It reminds me of 1984 and big brother. These TV’s take all the atmosphere out of the elevator and makes it that much harder to strike up a conversation with the person standing next to you. I like talking to people in public spaces. One day I was talking to a woman in the elevator and she told me that none of the other couriers talk to her at all, they just watch the TV’s. Even I sometimes catch myself looking at them only to feel like its some type of brainwashing. Were having adds and stats pumped into us all over the place, but this is too far. Also this one is not really a bother for other couriers, just for me cause I’m weird like that.

So that is my rant on the top five things that irritate couriers and myself. I hope you find it educational and interesting. I will at some other point add some things I love about the job and stay tuned for the top 5 buildings I’ve seen in Vancouver.

January 15 2010 11:16pm

Alright. Maybe its the fever, the meds or the beer but here I was sitting alone in my house watching the Super  Mario Brothers Show when a thought occured to me. Princesses like Toadstool (yes TOADSTOOL, Peach is not a name) gets captured a lot. I mean quite freaquently. In many episodes of this show and almost every Super Mario game in which she appears (every one I think if you remember that Super Mario 2 isn’t Super Mario 2)she is captured by King Koopa and/or  Bowser. Princess Toadstool lives in a castle, surrounded by gaurds yet she has managed to get kidnapped over 7 times off the top of my head. Even if their security is like the RCMP and it takes them a half hour to respond to a crisiss, a princess like Toadstool should have access to some Fire Power or a Star. Something!  So after being captured many times one might question if she is even trying to get away at all. What if Princess Toadstool actually likes to be captured? By this point you probably think I’m nuts but hear me through. Many princesses get captured. It happens. It is the main point of many stories from our childhoods, it was the norm.  Princess Leia was captured by Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt. You can’t get away from Vader and she killed Jabba. Were going to let Zelda off the hook because technically in each game its a different Zelda. Princess Jasmine even fought Jaffar in the second Aladin movie (why I know this scares me). Toadstool does not have any excuses. So I conversed with a fellow nerd and came to the conclusion that Toadstool has developed a love for whips, chains and total domination. She no longer feels the pressure of ruling a land of fungas and does not have a fat Brooklyn plumber who has a major mushroom problem hitting on her. Her desire is now that of spikes and fire, the void only a hardcore punk like Bowser can fill. As proof I have attatched the following picture as evidence in my media file. It is titled Exibit A. This picture was taken by a professional photographer with the highest reputation around. This took place in World 8, Pipe Land. The other picture I found by googling Toadstool and Bondage.  Now that the truth is revealed, I hope you can now put down your Nintendo controllers and no longer work endlessly to rescue a princess who does not want to be saved. We can rest comfortably knowing that she is probably in a far better place having the time of her life licking Bowsers feet. (A quote from the show… watch the first episode.) I ask you, am I on to something here or what?

January 14 2010:

A while ago I noticed an interesting ad in the Straight titled “WHY WOMEN HAVE SEX”.  Now before even reading the article I had the answer. After an entire page of drivle they finally got to the point. BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD. Now really. Is this worthy of our time? Apperently so because after that I was paying more attention to magazines at the grocery store and even that stupid page after you log out of hotmail. Ten sex moves that will drive your man crazy, 25 steps to a better relationship and best of all How to Save your Relationship. Really… this is what has become of our media. Vouge magazine is another irritant in my life. I personally know a girl who picks up this magazine every month just to find out how to do her eyebrows and if she should wear fake glasses.  Does this not annoy you as much as it annoys me?

December 16 2010

Good News Everybody!

I have found the password to my blog after organizing my belongings in my room. Now I can rant away and you can keep tabs on what I am up to these days. If you havn’t read my Courier entries, I’ll save you the trouble. I got  fired, my boss decided he just didn’t want me around anymore. All things considered I am rather pissed off. This month I have had my Iphone stolen, a root canal done, My alien charm was knifed off my bike, the flu, owe Revenue Canada more than I make a month, fired and dumped. Merry Fucking Christmas. Fuck you December, Fuck you! I am retreating to Ontario for the last bit of December and if my plane decides to not fall out of the sky for no particular reason, I’ll be updating again around December 22. In the mean time, I am going to go drink a lot of fireball whiskey and yell “DEY TOORK MY JERB” at the wall while watching Archer.  Thank you for your time.

Will Out!

The most powerful Goomba


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: